Practise Your Criticism Here - 'The Madness'

[Zale]

Here is the beginning of a story (that I wrote, obviously). It's quite long, and some of you may be put off by the start, but I assure you it changes as my idea of what it wanted to be changed.

The following are all welcome:
-General comments, on narrative style etc.,
-Specific passages which you think could be better, and how,
-Bits you find stupid and why,
-Any good bits.

Please don't hold back.

[HLGStrider]

Can't you post it? I HATE DOWNLOADS!

I once posted an entire novel, for gosh sakes (and you wonder about my post count. . .though actually my novel was deleted with the old writer's guild so it doesn't count in my current post count anyway).

[Zale]

The whole thing is 16 pages long, and I don't really have the time to go into multiple posts. It's only a .txt document (apparently Word documents aren't allowed as attachments) and if you don't like downloads, just open it from the current location instead.