Once Upon an Alley- Short Story

[Rhiannon]

[deleted post]

[Rhiannon]

[deleted post]

[HLGStrider]

Ah. ..And I thought I was the coffee godess.

Elgee claps. . .

[Lantarion]

HAHA that was awesome!!
Really funny, you write very comically. :D

Bravo!

[HLGStrider]

One comment. ..I don't particularly like the title. I'm lousy at titles myself, but the Alley doesn't seem right. . .I opened this thread with a vague hope it had something to do with cats. . .blush. . .

[Lantarion]

Haha, alley cat.. That brings Toulouse from Disney's 'The Aristocats' poignantly to mind! :D
But you may be right about the title.. It should be something like "The Dawn of Dragons: the Yonder Pinnacle", then it would sell by the bucketload. :rolleyes:

Clichés sell, I have no idea why.. I hate the damned things..

[HLGStrider]

I like cliches. Normally things have to be good in order to become cliches. . .I acknowledge that it is bad to use them, but that doesn't make them any less fun.

ooooh. . .I prefered Marie. For one thing, I can spell her name.

[Zale]

Constructive criticism: nothing wrong with the narrative (i.e. you couldn't improve it if you tried), but you might want to work on the plot a little. I mean, if you were to write another story, the plot could be a bit more serious or intriguing.
Not that there's anything wrong with this story as it stands; I'm just bearing future efforts in mind.

[HLGStrider]

Who wants serious?

;)

Serious is bad. . .bad serious. . .Elgee slap Zale on the hand and tells her to sit in the corner:

"Gasp! You said a naughty word!"
"What did I say?"
"Serious. That's the last thing a man wants to hear from a woman when he gets to be my age."

Or something vaguely like that. I bet Rhi knows where it is from. The rest of you can just wonder.

[goldmare]

That was hilarious! I love it! Yes, maybe a different title is in order. And if you want to publish it, it might be good to make it longer by adding a little detail, i.e., scenery, maybe...

"Serious" is a bad word indeed. You should be ashamed of yourself. :D

[Rhiannon]

I hate the title too, but I can't seem to come up with anything else. Zale, the plot is bare because I was suffering from writer's block and desperate to thump something out before my creative writing class deadline. I wrote the whole thing in my local coffee house hangout (where I drink chocolate- I hate coffee), after at least ten abandoned story ideas. Everything I came up with was dull, but they all seemed to feature a coffee house, so I finally decided I would just throw a body in and be done with it. I was in a funny mood, so I decided against a corpse. And I had frog princes on the mind. The entire thing is meant to be a light-hearted, pointless waltz through a bizarre situation.

I had a page limit for the class as well, and now that it's over I'm planning to go back to this story and expand it (but not to much- I like it brief this way...but I also think the concept might work for a short novel...and there are so many short stories to be done...and...*insert starry eyes emoticon*)

Thank you all for the feedback!

[Kailita]

Rhi, that was lovely. :D Wonderful idea! I love fairy tale spin-offs...kind of like a more sophisticated, modern-day Dealing with Dragons. :) The end could possibly be expanded, beyon Kat simply giving him some coffee and then him being on his way, but with a page limit, that's understandable. You have a very unique writer's voice...very good thing! I liked it. :) And I loved the end!

"I have a great weakness for what you call 'mocha grande'."

:D

[Zale]

Her? I can handle the rest, but despite the impression I seem to be giving I am a bloke.

[HLGStrider]

Whoops! Well, I can excuse myself because I don't know off the top of my head what a Zale is or what sex it normally is.

What came to mind for it was some sort of Grecian wind goddess. . .

[Zale]

Actually, it's just the letters of my name rearranged, but the Z is really an X (same sound but a Z looks better). Although I have heard about an American jeweller's called Zale's...