Jokes, Tales, Cabbages and Kings (merged threads, HLG)

[greypilgrim]

Life has it's up's and downs, and sometimes you just have to laugh when nothing is funny. :D

Put up a joke:

"I'd like to have a girl-friend right now, but I'm saving up for a good one".

They told me to get a life. I should have looked into it more.

[Talierin]

"I think I turned into myself this morning. But I'm not sure. I certainly don't feel any different."

my favorite quote, heehee:D

[greypilgrim]

I'm such a loser. Every time my dog bites me I tell him who's in charge.

True story: My own brother's "cute" "sweet" Boxer literally ATTACKED me the 3 weeks ago. My brother STILL won't believe me (and i bring it up all the time), when I tell him he started it, and defends his dog, saying he'd never bite anyone without a reason.
Now I think I went down a level on the food chain in this house, and he's even snapped at my bro's wife since then.
AND MY BROTHER STILL DEFENDS HIS "BOY"!!!!
Still I feed him, pet him, love him (he is cute and sweet) but no trust exists between us. Is this dog holding me hostage? I think so. But then why do I still spoil love on this dog? What is this "Natural Relationship" that exists, like an ingrained loyalty between Men and Dogs? Anything they want they can have from us. And it's never enough!
If my dog were human, one of us would be homeless. And it wouldn't be the Dog.

I have a new quote: "I like cats; they leave you alone.":D

[greypilgrim]

hey there, reader! That's Life Daily Comics is actually not a comic strip, but a place to display the more quirky, strange ways of life and of it's daily demands, and your views on them. A place where if you don't laugh, you'll go insane!!
There's so much drama, it's hard to know what to do.

sometimes life is like a merry-go-round
but i think it's more like a ferris wheel
sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down
sometimes you just don't know what to feel.

from "another live utopia", todd rundgren

ps: don't be mad be happy! :D

[Lasgalen]

I saw these as someones signature line.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Please don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be out on its own.

-Lasgalen

[Dragon]

in the end, it doesn't matter who's right, but who's left!!!!!!!

how come stupid people reproduce so fast? are they more fertile than smart people?

[greypilgrim]

My last girl was so wild, every time she made French toast, she got her tounge stuck in the toaster!

lol
this could be fun as actual articles, short stories of stupidity in life, highlighting humor, with headlines, or new, made up comic-strip characters!

ANH= Ain't nothing happening:
I got out of my ANH bed, walked to my ANH job, after work went to the ANH bar, got drunk, looked around and said "ANH", then walked home.

Just stupid stuff like that, or just real-life quoting, whatever!

[greypilgrim]

I figured out the dog thing....It's because I am no different than him (Rocky) except I speak, and stand upright! That's why we're friends!
Birds of a feather flock together!

[Bergile]

My greatgrandfathers motto was: What you can't see won't hurt you. Yeah, he died of radiation poisoning.

[greypilgrim]

I quit my job 7 times a day:D .

[Barliman Butterbur]

This thread is for interesting bits and pieces of general interest and at times humor. I have collected, over the years, a lot of strange and memorable articles that friends have sent that simply strike me as "notable" in some way or other. Stories, jests, whimsy. For openers:

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A Meditation on “UP”

A two-letter word has a hundred completely different meanings. So what is this stuff about English being easy? There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has particularly special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so...

I'll shut UP!:p

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Barley

[Beleg]

that sounds very intresting. Before I commence with reading the substance of your post, can you upload all these jokes, tales, ancedots, words of wizdom etc some place on internet? I'd love to browse through them... :)

[Barliman Butterbur]

that sounds very intresting. Before I commence with reading the substance of your post, can you upload all these jokes, tales, ancedots, words of wizdom etc some place on internet? I'd love to browse through them... :)

Whoa! That would be some project! And, I have no website to which to upload them anyway. I would hope that this present thread will be a repository for other people's posts, not just mine. (Besides not all the stuff I have is suitable for family entertainment...;))

Barley

[Barliman Butterbur]

Reasons Why the English Language is Hard to Learn

[capitonym (KAP-i-toh-NIM) noun

A word that changes pronunciation and meaning when it is capitalized.

As in the following poems:

Job's Job
In August, an august patriarch
Was reading an ad in Reading, Mass.
Long-suffering Job secured a job
To polish piles of Polish brass.

Herb's Herbs
An herb store owner, name of Herb,
Moved to a rainier Mount Rainier.
It would have been so nice in Nice,
And even tangier in Tangier.]

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. An English horn is neither a horn nor English.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

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Barley