Things LOTR Characters would never say

[moon cloud]

sam: Danger is my middle name. Oh yes.

boromir: Your tears will have no effect on my hard, steely exterior, Frodo. I will be the rings b*tch no longer. Trot off to mordor with it, I hope you're happy together. Get yourselves a pina colada, celebrate. Its on me.

Legolas: Gee whizz, I sure hope ol' mr. Elrond will let me go back to mirkwood. It's time to make super huge mud pies and theres a pile of manure with my name on it.

gimli: Oh gandalf, that tickles

Aragorn: Actually, Arwen, this jewel round my neck is a bit of old tat I bought off the shopping channel. The real evenstar hangs from a more *secret* place.

[Arathin]

Oh I'd like Aragorn saying that last one to me... of course me and about half the girls on here would like that....

Gimli to Merry: To tell the truth, Merry. I am a girl Dwarf, and I really do like you a lot.

Merry to Pippin: Hey lets go home.
Pippin: Nah, I think we should go have fun with Saruman and his Uruk-hai.

[omnipotent_elf]

i'm male, so i dont really get what it is about aragorn

well heres another one
Pippen: theve got pints?!?!?! oh well, i'm not thirsty anyways

[klugiglugus]

Sam: were'z me wash board?

Aragorn: Oh, I love me! and Legolas! for alas I am a queen! I am off to go and get my nails done. This whole ring thingy is very vulgar and goash!

Pippen to Arwen: You need a real man!:D

[Elfhelm25]

Elrond : Take the blue pill , Frodo , and you can go back to your little hobbit hole and forget this whole mess . Take the red pill , and you can discover the truth . That what is real may not be ....

[Arwen Halfelven]

Frodo in reply to the Elrond quote above: Is this the Matrix or Middle Earth?? Or are they one in the same??? Or is this the Twilight Zone???? I'm sooo confused!!!!!

Legolas to Aragorn at Helm's Deep as he readies an arrow: Oh darn, I broke a nail!!!!

Pippin to Merry as they are aboard treebeard: This is way better than that crummy treehouse we had in Buckland!!

Sam to Frodo in the widerness: I'm trying to be true to my diet, Mr. Frodo. Is lembas in "The Zone"??

Gollum to Sam & Frodo regarding food: I'd eat that elf stuff if I wasn't anorexic.

Sam to Gollum: This whole adventure is just binge & purge; binge & purge. No wonder I'm a stupid fat hobbit!!!!!!!

Frodo to Sam: Raw coney is in "The Zone".

So much for eating disorders in LOTR

[reem]

Gandalf before the fellowship leaves Rivendell: alright everyone, who needs to go weewee before we leave?

[Ol'gaffer]

Elrond: Middle Earth stands on the brink of destruction, but it doesn't consern us elves as we're packing our bags and running.

Ring Wraiths: *cough, cough*

Sauron: Blink, blink

Gandalf: oooh, look at me! I'm the ring bearer, laa-di-daa.

Gimli: No thanks, I'm on a diet.

Arwen: Námarea-ou damnit!!

Gollum: Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a skitzoprenic and so am I.

[Ol'gaffer]

Originally posted by moon cloud
Aragorn: Actually, Arwen, this jewel round my neck is a bit of old tat I bought off the shopping channel. The real evenstar hangs from a more *secret* place.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Stop it! Stop it! You're killing me!! :D :D :D :D :D :D

[Sarah]

Originally posted by Elfhelm25
Elrond : Take the blue pill , Frodo , and you can go back to your little hobbit hole and forget this whole mess . Take the red pill , and you can discover the truth . That what is real may not be ....

Frodo: "I wish none of this had ever happend to me... Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?!"

[Isenho]

hahaha! :D

[BlackCaptain]

-Sam to Elrond: Ok, heres one... Why did the chicken cross the road?
Elrond: Well that depends, haseth this chicken been on the other side twice? nay, thrice I say! or is it that this chicken is of elven-breed, or is crossing the east-west road and going into the tower of the rising moon?
Sam: ... shut up...
Elrond: Perhaps riddling with thy Elven-master of lore is not your game... I know! lets have a spelling contest!
Sam: It do...


-Sam to Frodo: Why don't you let me carry the ring Mr.Frodo?
Frodo: Shove it fatty!

-Gandalf: Why Pippin! You are incredibly wise!

-Aragorn: Oh I know! I just cant get these stains out of my pants ...
Boromir: You should use Athelas, barbecue sauce comes right out!

[BlackCaptain]

Originally posted by Hawk
Boromir: *after being shot by orcs* I'm not quite dead.... I feel happy... I feel happy... *dies*

Gandalf: *on the bridge in moria to the Balrog* You must answer me these questions three ere the other side you see....

Ring Writhes: We demand... a Shrubbery!

Legolas: *on the ramparts of helm's deep to orcs in an annoying French accent* Go Away or I shall taunt you a second time!

Gollum: *to Frodo* Do or do not.. there is no try..
Frodo: What does that mean?
Gollum: I don't know I read it on a fortune cookie.

HA!!! MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL RULES!!! IVE GOT ONE!!!:

Sauron to Isildur when his hand gets chopped off:
Tis but a flesh wound!

[Olorin3]

:mad: Sam at Osgiliath: Oh great , now Sauron knows exactly where the ring is. How's Mr. Jackson going to get us out of this blunder?


Woohoo, my first post. Hello, everyone!

[BlackCaptain]

Tehcnicaly, thats the movie, but a funny little quote at that! welcome to the forum!

[Olorin3]

Ok, ok.;)

Here's a coulple more "bookish" ones.

Frodo to Nazgul: "You're not even riding real horses you're just banging coconuts together."


Gandalf to Fellowship at Bridge of Kazad-dum: "Oh, no, it's a Balrog and I can clearly see his actual, physical wings.";) :D

[BlackCaptain]

-Teebeard:Now-adays-every-body-wanna-talk-like-they-got-somethin-to-say-but-nuthin-comes-out-when-they-move-thier-lips-just-a-bunch-of-jibberish-so-f*ck-that-cuz-they-forgot-about-the-ents.

-Gwahir-You only took an arrow out of me, Ive saved you from wolves, Balrogs, battles of 5 armies,and Orthanc. I think ill let you fight this battle by this big gate yourself. (points to the Moranon)

-Bilbo-Im sick and tired of making poems for you Eru-d*mned elves!

-Gandalf-I guess this... "Glamdring" looks ok, but i'd much rather have that one! (points to Sting)

-Morgoth-Oh. Sory everyone, my harp's out of tune. (tunes it back up and plays to the song hapily ever after)

-Aule: These are Dwarves?! I wanted the one... u know... the one that fights in the Mud!
Manwe-Foxxy Boxers?
Aule:YES!!! THOSE!!! (from the Simpsons)


And someone posted earlier about Gandalf asking if anyone neede to go "tinkle"... Has anyone noticed that not once in all the books does anyone go to the bathroom? or i should say take a pist, cuz there werent any bathrooms...

[Heathertoes]

Book Aragorn: "Let's hunt some orc!"
- was nearly sick on the person in front of me when Film Aragorn said it.

[BlackCaptain]

haha... what exactly does that mean?

[Hawk]

Aragorn: *after battling hundreds of Uru-Kai… sees little bunny rabbit* AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!

[Sarah]

Originally posted by MorgulKing
haha... what exactly does that mean?

It means that heathertoes didn't like it when aragorn says lets hunt some orc in the movie because heathertoes feels that the book aragorn wouldn't have said it.

I whole heartedly disagree.

[BlackCaptain]

Originally posted by Hawk
Aragorn: *after battling hundreds of Uru-Kai… sees little bunny rabbit* AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!

Have you seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

[Heathertoes]

Originally posted by Sarah
It means that heathertoes didn't like it when aragorn says lets hunt some orc in the movie because heathertoes feels that the book aragorn wouldn't have said it.

I whole heartedly disagree.
Presumably that's because you're an American and are used to hearing that type of crime against the English language being committed

[j0n4th4n]

orc - (sees daises) ooh ooh stop let me make a daisy chain uthfak

aragorn (in thick of battle) - sod this, im off

thorin oakenshield - elves are better than dwarves, ill admit it

gollum when offered ring - whats that, precious?

saruman - im so lonely, i want a girlfriend

[Mablung]

Witch King: Ok the Council of Evil is now in session for all those wondering I am stepping in as the moderator since Sauron has no arms to bang the gavel(sp?) anymore. On a similar note I vote that all of Sauron's privelages and powers be stripped. All those for say yay.
Saruman: yay
Witch King: And I say yay as well however Sauron does have veto power and could kill the motion. So all opposed... blink.
Sauron: ... I hate you.

[BlackCaptain]

haha.

Sauron- blink-blink-blink-blink. blink-blink-blinkblinkblink-blink blink.
Witch King- I know!
Sauramon-How do you figure?
Sauron- Blink-blink... blink blink blink blink blink-blink blink, blink blink blink blink blink-blink.
Saruman- Ohhh! I see! So i should put TWO cups of sugar in...

[Ol'gaffer]

Originally posted by Heathertoes
Presumably that's because you're an American and are used to hearing that type of crime against the English language being committed

Now, now. Play nice, just like me and Lilhobo before they started editing our posts. :D

Here's a few more:

Any hobbit: Man, I'm stuffed. I couldn't eat another bite.

Gandalf to Frodo: Ooh! Look at me! I'm carrying the one ring and I'm only two feet tall!

Gollum: Bloody hell!..

Arwen: Da-ddy! Aragorn won't marry me-e!
Elrond: Now Arwen calm down, he won't marry you because I told him so.
Arwen: But why-y? I really, really want to marry him! *starts to sulk*

[reem]

Gollum makes a movie called "Me, Myself, and Preciousss":p

[Isenho]

LOLLLLL gaffer! :D :D :D

[BlackCaptain]

*Sauron looking at a line-up of the scariest things in all of middle earth* - Ok, you can be my mouth (pointing to a armored skeleton thing), you can be my eye (points to giant eyball), you can be my arm (points to ringwraiths), and you can be my foot (points to a horse[scary one that is])

[omnipotent_elf]

one orc in the 10 000 army " come on guys, group hug for luck"

[chaos]

Eowyn: "I long for the love of another.".

Famamir: "Well maybe its best you ride into battle and kill yourself then, I don't want to be second best".

[Theoden_king]

(film) legolas: they are all going to die
Aragorn: We better run before the orcs get here then

[ShootingStar]

Ringwraith: Does this cloak make my butt look big??

Legolas to orc: You're so pretty! You should be a model!

Arwen: hey Aragorn, eowyn's here! Lets have a threesome!

Galadriel: Look into my mirror
Legolas: Yes darling... I see..... my hair.... it has a tangle!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
*faints and dies*
Galadriel: what a wuss. *sigh* next...



Hey the lotr diaries wont load on my computer!! Whats wrong?? I want to read them!!

[Arathin]

The Fellowship: We're men, men in tights! *etc with the whole song*

Saruman: Frodo will be dead.... D-E-D.... dead. *evil laughing between him and Sauron*

Galadriel in her mirror: What? These aren't MY bubbles!!!!

Boromir, yelled at Frodo as Frodo escapes at end of FotR: I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!!!

[Hawk]

*After Boromir dies in FOTR.... Aragorn looks down at him* Hey Legolas, isn't that one of your arrows?
Legolas: Noooooooooooo...... of course not.

*Boromir reappers in TTT* What??? Gandalf came back from the dead why can't I?

[Elven_RANGER]

Boromir dying- "I'm not dead yet!......I feel happy!!!........ No I'm
feelling much better, really."

Aragorn to Arawen- "So.... just how old are you???" !!!!!SLAP!!!!!

Aragorn to Legolas on wall of Helmsdeep- "What's that on the horizen it looks like a..... PURPLE DINASAUR!?!?! Take it down Legolas!!!"

[omnipotent_elf]

*monkeys spring up everywhere*

aragorn: now uve made a monkey out of meeeeeeeeeeeeee

[reem]

gimli one morning to the fellowship: ALRIGHT!! THAT'S IT!! WHO's BEEN USING MY TOOTHBRUSH??!!

sam to frodo: right, master frodo (claps his hands together and looks determined). the fist thing we need to do when all this is over is get you a manicure!

[balrog]

Gandalf to Balrog in Moria:

"How could you forget the marshmellows?"

[Morgoth]

Balrog:' Anybody got a light?'
Frodo to Sam on the slope of Mt Doom: 'I thought you said you had it...'
Gollum: 'Anybody fancy some lembas?'
Nazgul (outside Hobbiton) in an evil voice: 'Shhiiiire...... Nearest Pub'
Arwen to Aragorn: 'What do you mean I look fat?'
Gandalf (to Frodo when he is offered the ring at Bag End): Go on then, I'll just try it on....'

[BlackCaptain]

haha... those are great...

Sam: I got an A+ on my English test!

[the_third_rider]

hahahaha, thosse are truly awesome, i cant think of any, but i would have to say my fav is the black rider"do u like scary movies" lol great job guys

[omnipotent_elf]

LOL!!!
balrog, thats one of the best one I have heard thus far

[33Peregrin]

I like Elven-Ranger's. So just how old are you? And Balrog's was great too.

[Hawk]

*Frodo on a computer looking at Ebay* And the high bidder for this ring is..... "Firey_lidless_eye@moria.com".

[Sarah]

LOL I like that one. Ya know in TTT it seemed to me that the eye of sauron looked like it was powered by electricity.

Sam: You don't need to go through all this, Frodo, just pull this plug right here....*sam pulls plug* see?

[legolas84]

Aragorn: Legolas, what do your elven eyes see?
Legolas: Uhhh...let me get my glasses.

[Aulë]

I just made this up, sorry to double post it- but it belongs in this thread!:D

GANDALF:
There it is!
ARAGORN:
The Bridge of Khazad-dum!
BOROMIR:
Oh, great.
ARAGORN:
Look! There's the old maia from scene twenty-four!
LEGOLAS:
What is he doing here?
ARAGORN:
He is the keeper of the Bridge of Khazad-dum. He asks each traveller five questions--
GANDALF:
Three questions.
ARAGORN:
Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
GANDALF:
Three questions.
ARAGORN:
Three questions may cross in safety.
BOROMIR:
What if you get a question wrong?
ARAGORN:
Then you are cast into the Abyss of Shadow.
BOROMIR:
Oh, I won't go.
GANDALF:
Who's going to answer the questions?
ARAGORN:
Sir Boromir!
BOROMIR:
Yes?
ARAGORN:
Brave Sir Boromir, you go.
BOROMIR:
Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Legolas go?
LEGOLAS:
Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--
ARAGORN:
No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
GANDALF:
Three questions.
ARAGORN:
Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.
LEGOLAS:
I understand, my liege.
ARAGORN:
Good luck, brave Sir Legolas. God be with you.
DURIN’S BANE:
Stop!

Who would cross the Bridge of Khazad-dum must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
LEGOLAS:
Ask me the questions, Balrog. I am not afraid.
DURIN’S BANE:
What... is your name?

LEGOLAS:
My name is 'Sir Legolas of Mirkwood'.
DURIN’S BANE:
What... is your quest?
LEGOLAS:
To destroy the One Ring.
DURIN’S BANE:
What... is your favourite colour?
LEGOLAS:
Green.
DURIN’S BANE:
Right. Off you go.
LEGOLAS:
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
BOROMIR:
That's easy!
DURIN’S BANE:
Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Khazad-dum must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
BOROMIR:
Ask me the questions, Balrog. I'm not afraid.
DURIN’S BANE:
What... is your name?
BOROMIR:
'Sir Boromir of Gondor'.
DURIN’S BANE:
What... is your quest?
BOROMIR:
To destroy the One Ring.
DURIN’S BANE:
What... is the capital of Lindon?
[pause]
BOROMIR:
I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
DURIN’S BANE:
Stop! What... is your name?
GANDALF:
'Mithrandir'.
DURIN’S BANE:
What... is your quest?
GANDALF:
To destroy the One Ring.
DURIN’S BANE:
What... is your favourite colour?
GANDALF:
Blue. No, gre-- auuuuuuuugh!
DURIN’S BANE:
Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
ARAGORN:
It is 'Aragorn', King of Gondor.
DURIN’S BANE:
What... is your quest?
ARAGORN:
To destroy the One Ring.
DURIN’S BANE:
What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARAGORN:
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
DURIN’S BANE:
Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!
LEGOLAS:
How do know so much about swallows?
ARAGORN:
Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

[Arwen Halfelven]

Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has got to be the funniest place ever!!! When my brain goes bonkers I know right where to come.........here!!! Is Tolkien cracking up in his grave or what!!!!!?????

Sam: Gardener??? Heck, Frodo, I'd get my fingernails all dirty!!!!

Rosie Cotton at closing time to Sam: Meet me in the tater patch in 15minutes.....(wink!wink!)

Frodo upon waking in Rivendell: The nurses are great but you know hospital food!

Gandalf hanging on the Bridge of K-D: If I'd only had that manicure I'd still be here!

Frodo to Galadriel: Trade rings with you!!!

Galadriel to Gimli: Here's my hair, just don't look at the brown roots!!!

[legolas84]

Legolas: You and your third dimension...
Gimli: What about it?
Legolas: Oh nothing...it's cute...in Mirkwood we have five.......th...thousand........don't question it!

(for u adult swim fans)

[Hawk]

Ganfalf to frodo: you take the blue pill you wake up in your brd and believe whatever you want to believe.... you take the red pill and I will give you this gold ring to destroy in Mt. Doom.
*Frodo takes to bluse pill and then walks away*

[*Lady Arwen*]

Arwen: I think we all know that I just like Aragorn because he's the heir to the throne of Gondor.

[Bailey Baggins]

Treebeard: damn its cold throw another Ent on the fire Pip, ya lazy half-grown hole dwellin hobbit.

Frodo to Legolas while still in Lorien: what do the laments to Gandalf say?
Legolas to Frodo: Try to understand, try to understand, try, try, try, to understand he's a magic man!

[Anira the Elf]

That is the funnies thing I have seen in all my short years, Pippin_Took. i am a huge fan of Monty Python.


Sauron's eye:
"I'm watching you!"

The 7 dwarfs who got rings:
"hi ho, hi ho. it's off to work we go!"

[Bailey Baggins]

Gandalf to the Balrog: You jump I jump, got that!

you guys truly crack me up this is the best thread ever!

[balrog]

Awwwww! come on Frodo....you know Rosie and I need a ring....Puleeeeease?

[Wonko The Sane]

Eomer: Um..Eowyn, I know you're my sister and all...but well...see when you wear that white dress I can see your knickers through the skirt and when you do that swishy thing when you walk I just...I just....Man...

[Morgoth]

I am also a huuuge Monty Python fan, got all the DVDs, scripts, posters etc. So here are my Monty Python/LotR phrases
Frodo: I am the ringbearer
Nazgul(all9): You're the ringbearer?
Frodo: I am...
Nazgul 1: In that case, I shall have to kill you
Nazgul 2: Shall I?
Nazgul 3: Oh I don't think so
Nazgul 2: What do I think?
Nazgul 1: I think kill him
Nazgul 3: Oh, let's be nice to him
Nazgul 1: Oh, shut up
Nazgul 3: No you
Frodo: Perhaps if..
Nazgul 3: And you!
Nazgul 1: Quickly, get the Morgul Blade out, I want to cut his head off
Nazgul 3: Oh, cut your own head off
Nazgul 2: Yes, do us all a favour
Nazgul 1: What?
Nazgul 3: Yapping on all the time
Nazgul 2: You're lucky, you don't ride next to him
Nazgul 1: What do you mean?
Nazgul 2: You always touch my ring ;)
Nazgul 1: Ooh, I dont. Anyway you've got a smelly horse
Nazgul 2: That's only because you don't help me clean him
Nazgul 3: Oh, stop *****ing. Let's go and have tea.
Nazgul 1: All right, all right. We'll kill him first, then have tea and lembas
Nazgul 2: Yes.
Nazgul 3: Oh, not lembas...
Nazgul 1: All right, not lembas- but let's kill him anyway
Nazgul 2 and 3: Right.
Shot Pans Out
Nazgul 2: He's buggered off!
Nazgul 3: So he has, he's scarpered!
Samwise: Mr Frodo ran away
Frodo: No
Samwise: Bravely ran away, away
Frodo: I didn't!
Samwise: When danger reared it's ugly head
He bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes, Mr Frodo turned about
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the Brave, Mr Frodo!

[Aulë]

This is the ultimate Monty Python/Lord Of The Rings Parody.
I didn't write it- but I shall post it anyway because I love it so much.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

XenoCorp (XC) Pictures
in association with Monty Python
presents

J.R.R. Tolkien's: Fellowship of the Ring

J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Fëløwshipti uv den Råingen

Written by:
Hstaphath - The Official Bard of XenoCorp
Røten nik Akten Di

With:
Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Meriadoc, Peregrin, Samwise, and Frodo.
Wik

Also appearing:
Celeborn, Galadriel, Haldir, Elrond, Lotho, Lobelia, Tom Bombadil, Firiel/Zoot, Barliman Butterbur, Saruman, Bill Ferny, Harry, Ferdibrand Took, and Sauron.
Alsø wik

Also also appearing:
The Nazgul 9, the XC BattleCow, the Balrog of Moria, the Popular People's Front of Judea (or is that the Popular Judean People's Front?), and the harem ghosts of Arthedain.
Alsø alsø wik

Wi nøt trei a høliday in Røhän this yër?
See äll the løveli hørses
The wøndërful gølden häll uv Edørås - Medusëld
And mäni interësting Røhirrim who tälk aløt lik dis (and vøld lik vëry much to kill yøu)

With special extra thanks to:
The Taldren forum for putting me up to this kind of thing again, XenoCorp for being the incredible group of people they are, to J.R.R. Tolkien's estate for not taking legal action, and (once again) to Monty Python for reasons obvious.

Including the majestik cøw

My sistër once stëpped in cøw pøøp...
No realli! She was Karving her initials øn the cøw with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by KtujHegh (her brother-in-law) - an Osgiliäth dëntist and star of many Gøndoriån møvies: "The Høt Händs of an Ithiliën Dëntist, Fillings of Passiøn, The Huge Mølars of Børomir..."

We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.

The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely accidental and unintentional. And I did NOT have sexual relations with that blasted cow!
Signed: SARUMAN THE GREAT


Mynd you, fläming cøw pøøp Kan be pretty nästi...
We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked.

Cøw Trained by: MOOFIGHTERS
Special Cøw Effects: FREY PETERMEIER
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Udder-care by: HARRY P. NEZ


The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.
The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.

Executive Producer:
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Producer:
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GIMLI - DWARF OF THE FELLOWSHIP

and 76,000 Lawn and Garden Dwarves
From "Dwarves-R-Us" Ltd. in Erebor





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 1
'Bloody Sackville-Baggins!'

Narrator: The Eleventy-First Birthday of Mr. Bilbo Baggins is in full swing.

[Cheerful music and much talking dies down as Bilbo gets ready to make his birthday speech]
Frodo: Old woman!
Lotho: Man!
Frodo: Man, sorry. Have you seen Bilbo Baggins anywhere about?
Lotho: I'm thirty one.
Frodo: What?
Lotho: I'm thirty one in shire-reckoning -- I'm not old!
Frodo: Well, I couldn't just say "hey you."
Lotho: Well, you could say "Lotho."
Frodo: Well, I didn't see that it was you.
Lotho: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Frodo: I did say sorry about the "old woman," but it's getting dark and from the behind you looked--
Lotho: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Frodo: Well, today IS my birthday as well as Bilbo's...
Lotho: Oh your birthday, eh, very nice. An' how'd you afford this party, eh? By exploitin' the average everyday working hobbit -- by hangin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences rampant throughout the 5 shires! ....If there's ever going to be any progress--
Lobelia: Lotho, there's some lovely food laid out over here and look at these pretty silver spoons. Oh -- what do you want?!?
Frodo: How do you do, ma'am. I'm just looking for Bilbo. Have you seen him?
Lobelia: Why should I have seen him?
Frodo: Well, this is his birthday party and all...
Lobelia: This is HIS ruddy party?
Frodo: Well, yes, Bilbo's and mine. We happen to have our birthdays on the same day and today is his eleventy-first birthday.
Lobelia: I don't recall getting an invitation to any birthday party, so I don't know what all this nonsense is about. I thought we were all just gathering together for some free food.
Lotho: You're fooling yourself mother. We're living in a feudal society... A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the well-off Brandybucks and Tooks--
Lobelia: Oh there you go, bringing Tooks into it again.
Lotho: That's what it's all about, mom, if only sensible hobbits would--
Frodo: Please, please dear hobbits. I am in haste. Do you not know where Bilbo can be found?
Lobelia: He up and disappeared just a bit ago.
Frodo: Ummm... Disappeared?
Lobelia: That's what I said you dense little Baggins-wanna-be!
Frodo: ...Disappeared?
Lotho: I'm telling you Frodo. We've got to form Hobbiton into an anarcho-syndicalist commune shire. We could take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
Frodo: What? Rather than have a Mayor or Thain?
Lotho: Yes, but all the decisions of that officer would have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
Frodo: Well, yes, I see what you mean, but...
Lotho: A simple majority vote in the case of purely internal affairs,--
Frodo: Confound it Lotho. Be quiet!
Lotho: --or by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
Frodo: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Lobelia: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
Frodo: I'm Frodo Baggins and today is my birthday, darn it!
Lobelia: Well, I didn't give birth to you.
Frodo: Something we are both profoundly glad of, I'm sure.
Lobelia: Well, why do you think it should be such a big deal that it is your birthday then?
Frodo: Because this is my party, because Bilbo and I have paid for all this food and drink and paid to have it prepared and served. We arranged and paid for the singing, the dancing, and even some glorious fireworks. And here you are, invited or not, taking part in our party. That is why it is special that today is my birthday!
Lotho: Listen -- giving out food, drink, and entertainment is no basis for a system of authority and respect. Position and status derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical birthday ceremony.
Frodo: Be quiet!
Lotho: Well you can't expect to be elevated to a level of prominence and power just 'cause you threw a piece of stale cake at me!
Frodo: Shut up!
Lotho: I mean, if I went around acting like I was the King of Arnor just because I bought everyone in Bree a honey bun, they'd put me away!
Frodo: Shut up! Will you shut up!
Lotho: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
Frodo: Shut up!
Lotho: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! --- HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
Frodo: Bloody Sackville-Baggins!
Lotho: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh?.... That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?





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Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 2
'Orodruin Jewlers'

Narrator: Returning to the hobbit manor-hole known as Bag End, Frodo continues his search for Bilbo.

Frodo: Hello? Bilbo???
Gandalf: He has gone.

Frodo: What?!? Gone?
Gandalf: Yes, and he has left you his ring...
Frodo: Left me his ring? His most precious possession?
Gandalf: Yes, indeed. I had to whack his arse with a boat paddle, but he finally agreed to leave it. He left it there conveniently laying in the middle of the floor for you.
[Frodo picks up the ring]
Frodo: It is but a plain gold band.
Gandalf: Hmmmpfh. Is it now...
[Gandalf knocks the ring out of Frodo's hand, casting it into the fireplace]
Frodo: What the... Hey!
Gandalf: Fear not. The ring is unharmed.
Frodo: I'm not worried about the ruddy thing, you hit my hand you looney wizard!
Gandalf: Enough! Let us gaze upon the ring.
Frodo: Odd, the ring is cool though it has been touched by the flames... and strangely heavier.
Gandalf: Look for writing, Frodo... do you see any?
Frodo: Yes! Here... along the inside... it says "Orodruin Jewlers 10-Karat."
Gandalf: The tight-pocketed fiend! He could have at least made the forsaken thing out of 14 or 18-Karat gold...
Frodo: Who?
Gandalf: Never mind for the moment, Frodo, read on. Is there not more?
Frodo: Strange... Along the outside, fiery letters of a strange elven script... I cannot read them.

[Aulë]

Gandalf: No, but I can. The letters are Elvish, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here.
Frodo: Ulp!
Gandalf: In the common tongue it says, close enough, "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
Frodo: What does it all mean, Gandalf?
Gandalf: It means that this is no ordinary rare magic ring, it is the Master-ring, the One Ring to rule them all!
Frodo: Oh! There is something else here... along the inside near the jewler's stamp.
Gandalf: What's this?!? Quick! What does it say?
Frodo: "Warning - Violets are blue, Roses are red. If you wear this ring, you'll become undead."
Gandalf: Oh, that... That is just the Surgeon General's warning.
Frodo: Undead?!? That's horrible!
Gandalf: You said it, that's some of the worst tripe to pass for poetry - even for the likes of Sauron!
Frodo: No, no! The becoming undead part is horrible!
Gandalf: Oh... Yes, well, simple enough, just don't put the cursed thing on.
Frodo: What shall I do with it then?
Gandalf: Tell you what, why don't I jot off now and go venture into an obvious ambush with a fellow wizard (who has been blatantly lying to me for years) while you just put the ring on a chain and hang out here?
Frodo: Yes, well, that seems sensible enough.
Gandalf: If anyone (or any "thing" for that matter) shows up looking for it, head straight for Bree. It's the most obvious place for you to go, so it will be easy for me to find you there.
Frodo: Good idea! It's as good as done, Gandalf. Have a safe journey!





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Fellowship of the Ring: Narrative Interlude
The Book of the Film

Narrator: And so it came to pass that the Nazgul, the 9 black riders of Mordor, came north into Hobbiton and virtually caught Frodo Baggins unawares.

Running as if his very immortal soul were in peril (because, well, quite frankly, it actually WAS), he was joined in his flight from evil by three other loyal and steadfast hobbit companions.

Samwise Gamgee, called Sam, was the first to join Frodo, but other illustrious names of hobbit lore were soon to follow: Meriadoc Brandybuck, called Merry, and Peregrin Took, called Pippin (as well as several other names given him by Master Gandalf that are not suitable for printing in this tale in order to maintain our PG-13 rating).

Together they formed a hardy hobbit band whose names and deeds were to be recorded in the Red Book of Westmarch and retold throughout the centuries! Of course, obviously, the fact that Frodo and Sam helped write the Red Book of Westmarch might have had a lot to do with that...

But, for now, they just plain got lucky the way the comic relief in any good epic story does. Taking a detour to purloin some mushrooms, they blundered along an unexpected round-a-bout way through green-hill country, Buckland, and then into the Old Forest in virtually every direction EXCEPT Bree.

It was thus that they came upon 'the Master of wood, water, and hill,' known even to the Eldar in the first age as 'Iarwain Ben-adar,' eldest of all living creatures in Middle Earth; Tom Bombadil!





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Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 3
Bombadil's House

Narrator: Our four intrepid hobbits wander lost within the confines of the Old Forest.
Sam: And then you sort of mash the mixture of cow droppings and hay into the tilled soil before planting. It really increases the harvest yield!
Frodo: This new learning amazes me, Sam. Explain again about that process you call "mulching."
Sam: Oh, gladly, sir.
Merry: Look!
[A dark river of brown water, bordered and arched with ancient willows, and flecked with thousands of faded willow-leaves stretches lazily before them]
Frodo: Withywindle!
Sam: Withywindle!
Merry: Withywindle!

Pippin: It's only a river.
Frodo: Shh! Fellow hobbits, I bid us make haste to the home of he who was known to the men of Arnor as Orald, he whom the dwarves call Forn, and who is known to hobbits as Tom Bombadil! Let us hasten... to... Bombadil's!

[dancing along the river]
Tom Bombadil: [singing]
I'm Tom Bombadil, Oh, Bombadillo!
By the water, reed, and willow.
Hear me sing, water-lilies bring,
For my Goldberry's pillow.
Come merry dol! Hey, by the water,
To see the River-woman's daughter.
[dancing]
I'm Bombadil, a merry fellow;
Blue jacket and boots of yellow.
On many days I'm in a craze,
With my songs I love to bellow.
For none have caught the master,
Tom's songs and feet are faster.
[in Bombadil's house]
Goldberry: [clap, clap, clap, clap]
[back at the river]
Tom Bombadil: [tap-dancing]
Hey now! Hear me singing?
With your ears a'ringing.
Spend the day and prance away,
my songs I'll keep on winging.
'Cause I can't let my rhymes get lax,
Goldberry: [fingers in ears]
I have to stuff my ears with wax.

[back overlooking the river]
Frodo: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Bombadil's. It is a silly place.
Sam: Right.
Merry: Right.
Pippin: Right.


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 4
The Barrow-Anthrax

Narrator: Having finally reached the eastern edge of the Old Forest, our stalwart band of hobbits has entered an ancient and haunted region of burial mounds known as 'The Barrow-Downs.' Having missed the chance to pass through the downs during daylight due to a poorly timed afternoon hobbit nap, an eerie cold fog now rolls in across the downs. One by one, the hobbits become separated in the silent, heavy mists...
Frodo: Sam! Pippin! Merry! Come along! Why don't you keep up?!

[From some place far way off to the east, so it seemed, there was a distant cry: 'Hoy! Frodo! Hoy!']
Frodo: Sam! Where are you?! Pippin! Merry! Come along!
[Climbing up a hill-top, Frodo sees a great barrow looming open before him. Near the entrance is a dark cloaked figure of a young elf maiden, her ears distinct even in the gloom. Turning to Frodo, her eyes are very cold as though lit with a pale light that seems to come from some remote distance.]

Frodo: Hello? Can you help me? I've lost my friends and...
[Her beautiful ghostly face smiles as a strong cold grip seizes Frodo. The icy touch freezes Frodo right down to his 'Fruit-of-Thy-Looms,' and he remembers no more...]

Frodo: Hello! Where am I?!
Zoot: Welcome, gentle hafling. Welcome to the Barrow Anthrax.
Frodo: The Barrow Anthrax?
Zoot: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
Frodo: You are an underground colony of elves?
Zoot: We're a what?
Frodo: Elves. One led me here.
Zoot: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!
Midget and Crapper: (appearing as if out of thin air) Yes, O Zoot?
Zoot: Prepare a pyre for our guest.
Midget and Crapper: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...
Zoot: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are cold and hard and very, very lonely, I'm afraid.
Frodo: Well, look, I-- I, uh--
Zoot: What is your name, handsome sir?
Frodo: 'Frodo Baggins... of the Shire.'
Zoot: Mine is 'Zoot.' Just 'Zoot.' No other names are necessary anymore... Oh, but come.
Frodo: Look, please! In all seriousness, where is the elf who led me here?
Zoot: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
Frodo: No, look. I saw her! She is here in this--
Zoot: Mr. Frodo! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
Frodo: Well, I-- I, uh--
Zoot: Oh, I am afraid our existence must seem very dull and dead compared to yours. We were but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and twentynine-and-a-half, cut down and laid to rest in this barrow with no one to protect us. We here in this grand and stately barrow are the wives and harem of the King of Arthedain. Unfortunately, that poor sod Arvedui not only messed up his rights of succession, but went and got himself killed somewhere up north with the snow-dwellers of Forochel... leaving us with not even a male guardsman for company! Oooh, it is a lonely state of being... and now you and your three companions are here and we are just not used to having such handsome males to tend to. Or ANY males for that matter. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are exhausted!
Frodo: No, no. Well-- I guess I do feel a bit worn.
Zoot: Oh, you must see the embalm... errr... healers immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
[clap clap]
Piglet: (also appearing as if from nowhere) Well, what seems to be the trouble?
Frodo: They're healers?!
Zoot: Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes.
Frodo: B-- but--
Zoot: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Piglet! Winston! Practise your art.
Winston: Try to relax.
Frodo: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Piglet: We must examine you and get you into this nice white robe.
Frodo: Hey! Watch were you're... there's nothing wrong with that!
Piglet: Please. We were professionals.
Frodo: Look! This cannot be. I at least need to find Sam, Merry, and Pippen!
Piglet: Lay back down! At once!
Frodo: Torment me no longer. I must find my friends and I MUST find the elf that guided me here!
Piglet: There's no elves here.
Frodo: I have seen her! I have, I have seen one!
[clank]
I saw her at--
Girls: Hello.
Frodo: Oh.
Girls: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Frodo: Whoooa! It was GOOD to be the King!
[amid the spirits of some of the most beautiful female beings Frodo had ever seen, he spots his relaxed and helpless companions]
Frodo: Sam! Merry! Pippin!
Sam: Hoy Frodo, sir! Miss Zoot said you were getting a massage... oh, these girls are lovely...

[Aulë]

Merry: Hey Frodo, the girls say they are going to teach us something called 'tupping!'

Pippin: I have no idea what that is, but I REALLY think I'm going to like it! You don't mind if we stay a bit, do you?
Frodo: Zoot!
Firiel: No, I am the spirit of Zoot's identical twin sister and the head wife, Queen Firiel.
Frodo: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
Firiel: Where are you going?
Frodo: I must find the elf maiden! I have seen her, here at the entrance to this barrow!
Firiel: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
Frodo: Well, what is it?
Firiel: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been dressing up in her science fiction costume again, which, I have just remembered, makes her ears elf-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this sort of problem with her. She carries on about being a 'Romulan' or some other such rot...
Frodo: THAT was Zoot?! It wasn't a real elf?
Firiel: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! She is a bad disembodied entity and must pay the penalty, and here in the nether world, we have but one punishment for genre cross-dressing: you must tie her down over a crypt and spank her.
Girls: A spanking! A spanking!
Frodo: You can spank a ghost? Let alone tie one down?!
Firiel: Oh, my dear sweet innocent Frodo, not only is the answer to both questions very much 'yes,' well... let's just say we take things to a whole new level!
Frodo: (blinks a few times while his mouth is hanging open)
Firiel: So, you must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
Amazing: And spank me.
Stunner: And me.
Lovely: And me.
Firiel: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
Girls: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking in the old barrow tonight!
Firiel: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Girls: The oral sex! The oral sex!
Frodo: Well, after what an utter disappointment Tom Bombadil's turned out to be, I'm sure we could stay a bit longer...
Tom Bombadil: Frodo Baggins!
Frodo: Oh, hello.
Tom Bombadil: Quick!
Merry: What?
Tom Bombadil: Quick!
Pippin: Why?
Tom Bombadil: Frodo called my name and I am here to rescue you! You are all in great peril!
Firiel: No, they aren't.
Tom Bombadil: Silence, foul deceased temptress of the unwary!
Pippin: You know, she's got a point.
Tom Bombadil: Come on! I will sing the verses that will cover your escape!
Frodo: Look, we're fine, just a bit pale is all... I really didn't mean to call for you, I was just saying it out of hand, sort of, and--
Tom Bombadil: Shrivel like the cold mist in the morning sunlight! Warm the heart and the stone, bane of the barrow wight!
Girls: No, please!
Merry: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
Firiel: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
Girls: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
Tom Bombadil: No, Merry. Come on!
Pippin: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I bet I can handle this lot easily.
Firiel: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.
Girls: Yes. Let him handle us easily.
Tom Bombadil: Out among the growing lands, Go far beyond the burning sands...
Frodo: Please! I can overcome them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!
Firiel: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.
Girls: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...
Tom Bombadil: Feel the shining golden rays, warm, true, and bright!
[boom!]
Firiel: Oh, ****.
Tom Bombadil: (singing the limerick all-together now)
Shrivel like the cold mist in the morning sunlight!
Warm the heart and the stone, bane of the barrow wight!
Out among the growing lands,
Go far beyond the burning sands,
Feel the shining golden rays, warm, true, and bright!
Narrator: With a great rumble, the barrow mound splits open to the full onslaught of a noon-day sun... The ghostly maidens of Arthedain disappear as cool wisps of mist on a hot sunny day...
Tom Bombadil: You called for me just in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Frodo: Well, I don't think I was.
Tom Bombadil: Yes, you were. You were all in terrible peril.
Frodo: Look, let us go back in there and face the peril.
Tom Bombadil: No, it's too perilous.
Merry: Look, it's my honor as a Brandybuck to sample as much peril as I can.
Tom Bombadil: No, you've got to get to Bree. Come on!
Pippin: Oh, let us have just a little bit of peril?
Tom Bombadil: No. It's unhealthy.
Frodo: I bet you're gay.
Tom Bombadil: Ummm... No, I'm not!





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Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 5
The Wizard's Insult Duel

Narrator: Meanwhile, Gandalf had reached the mighty fortification of Angrenost (called Isengard in the tongue of the Rohirrim) within the valley of Nan Curunir. Rising up from the midst of Angrenost's ring of stone was the impregnable Tower of Orthanc. Here within dwelt Saruman the White, Chief of Wizards.

Narrator: Within the tower, Gandalf's arrival has not gone unnoticed.
Saruman: (shoving and prodding orcs into a broom closet) Shhh! Shhh! Get in there! Get in there! No talking! No talking!
[knock, knock]
Saruman: Allo! Who is eet?
Gandalf: It is I, Gandalf the Grey. I have come seeking your counsel on a most urgent matter.
Saruman: Well, okay, come right in then.

Gandalf: By all that is sacred, that is one heck of a damnable climb up those stairs!
Saruman: Ah, Mithrandir my friend-a. You are doing to much of that-a smoking, I am thinking. Come sit and rest awhile-a.
Gandalf: No time for rest, events are moving at a fast pace and we have no time to be idle.
Saruman: Yes indeed-e, you are right about that-a. That is why you must tell me where the ring can be found-a!
Gandalf: Ah, the one ring of the Dark Lord Sauron? The ring you once told us at council had been carried out to sea, as I recall?
Saruman: Yes, you snivelling cur of a pig-dog! I know that you know where it is-a! And I know that you know that I know that you know that-a too, so stop it with the playing as if-a your head is stuck up your bottom side-a!
Orcs: [chuckling and giggling in closet]
Gandalf: Ha! So you have unmasked your evil designs for the ring at last, have you?! I would not tell you of it any sooner than I would tell the Dark One himself!
Saruman: Of course I have turned to evil, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! What choice did I have with this outrageous accent! So, you thought you could out-clever me with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behavior! You have given me no choice-a but to insult you into submission!
Gandalf: No! No, you frog-ish fiend! Not a wizard's insult duel?!
Saruman: Yes-indeed-e, oh boy! So take your best shot you son of a window-dresser! You tiny-brained wiper of other people's bottoms!
Gandalf: Thpppppt! Do your worst!
Saruman: Ah, you illegitimate faced buggertype-a! I **** in your general direction! Your mother was a midget-dwarf and your father smelt of pipe-weed!

Narrator: The wizard's duel was deadly and dramatic. In the end, Saruman prevailed through sheer ferocity and the ridiculousness of his accent...

Saruman: At last-a, you are beaten you silly pimple burster! I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction! Now I shall put you on the top of my tower as a prisoner until the end-a!
Gandalf: (struggling weakly to raise himself) Until the end of what?
Saruman: Mind your own business!
[With a wave of his staff, Saruman hurls a helpless Gandalf to the very roof of Orthanc]

Saruman: Yes, away with you and no more with your meddling or I shall taunt you a second time-a and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 6
'Bring Out Your Baggins!'

Narrator: The village of Bree, chief village of the Bree-land.
[thud]
[clang]
Bill Ferny: (Pushing a cart topped with several hobbits bundled with ropes) Bring out your Baggins!
[clang]
Bill Ferny: Bring out your Baggins!
[clang]

Bring out your Baggins!
[clang]
Bring out your Baggins!
Harry: (Dragging a tied up hobbit) Here's one!
Bill Ferny: Right! He's worth nine silver pennies, that one is!
Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins!
Bill Ferny: What?
Harry: Nothing. Where's my silver pennies?
Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins!
Bill Ferny: What?
Harry: Nothing. Where's my silver pennies?
Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins!
Bill Ferny: 'Ere. He says he's not a Baggins!
Harry: Yes he is.
Ferdibrand: I'm not!
Bill Ferny: He isn't?
Harry: Well, he's related to one. His uncle's cousin's sister's nephew's brother's ex-roommate is a Baggins.
Ferdibrand: I don't have an Uncle!
Harry: Yes you do. You're looking more like a Baggins by the minute, you are.
Bill Ferny: Oh, I can't take him if he's not. It's against Sharkey's regulations.
Ferdibrand: I don't want to go to Isengard!
Harry: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Bill Ferny: I can't take him.
Ferdibrand: I don't even know any Bagginses!
Harry: Well, do us a favor.
Bill Ferny: I can't.
Harry: Well, can you hang around a bit? Maybe I can get him to confess.
Bill Ferny: No, I've got to go out to Archet. They've found five today.
Harry: Well, when's your next round?
Bill Ferny: Thursday.
Ferdibrand: And my uncle's cousin doesn't even have a sister!
Harry: You're not fooling anyone you know. Look, I've got an idea...
Ferdibrand: (singing) I ain't got nobody... Nobody, cares for me...
[Ferdibrand is quickly gagged and a sticker is slapped on his jacket reading "Hi, my name is:" with the name "Baggins" crudely written on it]
Harry: 'ere you are, thanks very much.
Bill Ferny: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Harry: Right. All right.
[howl]
[clop clop clop]
Who's that, then?
Bill Ferny: I dunno. One of 'em must be the Baggins everyone is looking for, though.
Harry: Why?
Bill Ferny: Well, duh, those hobbits are the only ones being chased by black robed undead ring-wraiths...

[Aulë]

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 7
The Prancing Pony

Narrator: Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry have arrived in Bree and have made their way to the Inn of the Prancing Pony.
Barliman Butterbur: Hobbits? Hobbits from the Shire?! That really should remind me of something... Oh well, probably nothing important then, come on in and make yourself comfortable.
Frodo: Thank you Mr. Butterbur.
Sam: (looking around the large crowded parlor suspiciously) I don't like the looks of some of these fellows...
Pippin: Food!

Merry: Beer!
Frodo: Right you are, my friends. We need food and drink, but we must be on our guard. Merry, Pippin! Make sure you stay here and don't mention my real name or anything about the ring either.
Pippin: Stay here and mention your real name and the ring.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: No, no. Don't mention my real name or anything about the ring.
Pippin: Don't mention your real name or the ring, so don't stay here.
Frodo: No, no, no. You stay here and get some food and drink.
Pippin: And don't mention your real name or the ring.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right.
Pippin: We don't need to do anything, apart from mentioning your real name.
Frodo: No, no. Don't mention my real name.
Pippin: Or about the ring, yes.
Frodo: All right?
Pippin: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
Frodo: Yes, what is it?
Pippin: Oh, if-if, oh--
Frodo: Look, it's quite simple.
Pippin: Uh...
Frodo: You just stay here and don't mention my real name or anything about the ring. All right?
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right.
Pippin: Oh, I remember. Uh, can we leave the room if we take Sam with us?
Frodo: N- No no no. You just stay in here, and make sure--
Pippin: Oh, yes, we'll stay in here, obviously. But if we had to leave and we were with Sam--
Frodo: No, no, just stay in here--
Pippin: Get some food, drink, and mention your name--
Frodo: No, don't mention my real name--
Pippin: Don't mention your name.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Or the ring.
Pippin: Or the ring.
Frodo: Right?
Pippin: Right, we'll stay here and get some food and drink.
Frodo: And, uh, make sure you don't mention my name.
Pippin: What?
Frodo: Make sure you don't mention my name.
Pippin: Frodo Baggins?
Frodo: Yes, make sure you don't mention it.
Pippin: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant Merry. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me not mentioning it to him when he already knows it too.
Frodo: Is that clear?
Merry: Hic!
Pippin: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
Frodo: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going?
Pippin: We're coming with you.
Frodo: No no, I want you to stay here and get some food and drink.
Pippin: Oh, I see. Right.
Strider: Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Baggins from the Shire.

Pippin: Aren't you in luck! We brought one with us, show him your ring Frodo!
Sam: (Smacking forehead) Oop Ack!
Frodo: Shut your noise, Pippin! I'm Mr. "Underhill," you idiot!
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Oh, Merry, go get a glass of water already.
Strider: Good thing for you that I am a friend of Gandalf's and am here to protect you. Your arrival has been observed and it isn't safe here. We will have to make a run for it first thing in the morning.
Frodo: Any chance we can "accidently" leave Pippen and Merry here?
Pippin: Ha, ha, what a kidder! (loudly) Hey everyone, come and meet Mr. "Underhill" with his plain, old, ordinary gold ring! Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, say-no-more, say-no-more!

Fellowship of the Ring: Narrative Interlude
Weathertop

Narrator: After a narrow escape in Bree, Strider and the Hobbits have continued east toward Rivendell. Just as night is falling, they arrive at the ruins of Amon Sul (meaning literally, in Sindarin, "Hill of Winds"), tallest and most southerly of the weather Hills.

Narrator: It is here that 5 of the black riders of Mordor, the Nazgul, catch up to them.
Head Nazgul: Ni!
Nazgul of Mordor: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Frodo: Who are you?!
Head Nazgul: We are the ring-wraiths, The Nazgul Who Say... "Ni!"
Random Ni!
Frodo: No! Not the Nazgul Who Say... "Ni!"
Head Nazgul: The same!
Merry: Who are they?
Head Nazgul: We are the undead servants of Mordor, keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!
Random Neee-wom!
Frodo: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.
Head Nazgul: The Nazgul Who Say "Ni" demand a sacrifice.
Frodo: Nazgul of Ni, we are but poor simple traveling hobbits who--
Head Nazgul: Ni!
Nazgul of Mordor: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
Frodo: (viciously wounded) Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
Head Nazgul: We shall say "ni" again to you if you do not appease us.
Frodo: (struggling against the pain) Well, what is it you want?
Head Nazgul: We want... the ring!
[dramatic chord]
Frodo: Noooo!!!
Nazgul of Mordor: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Frodo: Ow! Oh!
Pippin: Ow! Ow! Agh!
Merry: Ow! Oh! Ow!

Narrator: Just when all seemed lost, Strider jumps into the scene from out of the shadows brandishing a torch.

Strider: (waving his torch menacingly at the Nazgul) Pippin! Merry! Quick, drag Frodo behind these bushes!
Pippin: Sure, why not.
Merry: Right, okay.
Head Nazgul: It is of no use! We outnumber you 5 to 1 mortal!
Strider: (jumping behind the bushes with the hobbits) Ah ha, foul fiends! Do you not recognize what these bushes are?!
Head Nazgul: No! It can not be!
Strider: Yes!
Nazgul of Mordor: A shrubbery!
Head Nazgul: A nice looking one it is, but obviously not too expensive...
Strider: Yes, a shrubbery!
Head Nazgul: So, you have gained the upper hand this time, but we will meet again!
Strider: Ha! Now... go!

Narrator: Strider had narrowly saved the hobbits from the foul ring-wraiths, but Frodo was seriously wounded. Sam, who had fallen asleep earlier behind the shrubbery, missed the whole thing. Luckily, an elf from the home of Elrond chanced upon them and bore the unconscious Frodo to the "Last Homely House" - Rivendell.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 8
A Mission From Elrond

Narrator: Rivendell. Imladris. The house of Elrond. Frodo finds himself wandering alone within the long halls and vast rooms of this the "last homely house east of the sea."

Hearing voices, he creeps quietly up to a doorway and carefully peers in. Inside the strangely dimly lit room is a man sitting in a chair. He is oddly clothed, even for a southron or man of the Haradrim. Standing around him are three tall imposing elves. Frodo strains to hear as one of the elves leans in close to the seated man...
Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell... MISTER Anderson.
Frodo: {GASP!}
Elrond: You know the thing I HATE about humans? It's the smell.
Frodo: (backing away from the door) No! This can not be!
Elrond: I feel SATURATED by it...
Gandalf: Frodo! Frodo Baggins!
Frodo: Auuugh!
Gandalf: Frodo! Wake up!
Frodo: No! Not the red medicine! No!!!
Gandalf: Wake up, Frodo! Confound it, wake up I say!
Frodo: Gandalf?! Oh, thank all that is sacred, it was all a dream!
Gandalf: Yes, you were deeply wounded by the foul Nazgul, but Elrond has tended to you and you have been restored to us. Now, if you are feeling well enough, we have been summoned to a council of the most grave importance.
Frodo: Yes, ah, well... yes, give me half a moment to change my undergarments and I'll be right out...

Narrator: With the ringing of a single clear bell, the council of Elrond was summoned. Bilbo Baggins was there, as were Gloin the dwarf and his son Gimli. Glorfindel and Erestor, elves of Elrond's house, as well as Galdor (an elf from the Grey Havens) and Legolas (son of Thranduil, King of the elves of northern Mirkwood) were all sitting one after another. Strider was also there, though now revealed as Aragorn - the last Heir of Isildur, as was another tall man of similar features called Boromir, son of the Steward of Gondor. (Got all that? Good, there will be a quiz later!)

Elrond: Frodo! Frodo Baggins, hobbit and ring bearer!
[Flashing back to his disturbing dream, Frodo hits the floor]
Elrond: Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
Frodo: Sorry.
[Frodo gets up and sits in a nearby chair]
Elrond: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I didn't know she was YOUR daughter."
[Frodo bows his head]
Elrond: What are you doing now?!
Frodo: I'm averting my eyes, Master Elrond.
Elrond: Well, don't. It's like reading the Silmarillion-- it's so depressing. Now, knock it off!
Frodo: Yes, sir.
Elrond: Right! Frodo, Baggins and hobbit of the first order, the ring you bear must be cast into the fires of Mount Doom and destroyed!
Frodo: Good idea, Elrond!
Elrond: 'Course it's a good idea! Listen!

Frodo, as long as this ring exists, Sauron's power can not be vanquished. The ring MUST be destroyed!
Frodo: Ummm... I can not do it alone.
Gandalf: Well, don't whine about it, I'll go with you.
Aragorn: And you shall have my sword!
Legolas: And my bow!
Gimli: And my ax!
Pippin and Merry: Count us in!
Sam: Ummm... Can I pack a lunch?
Boromir: My schedule appears free, so I'll tag along. No larceny on my mind, nope, none at all.
Elrond: Good, for the nine riders, the cursed Nazgul who say "Ni," that he has sent against us, so shall we send a fellowship of nine against him. This is your quest, Frodo, to put an end to Sauron and his evil once and for all. The quest of the fellowship of the ring!
Frodo: Yes, okay, good! Thank you! Thank you all! Oh, I am SOOO screwed...

[Aulë]

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 9
The Fellowship and the Three Misty Mountains

Narrator: The fellowship had journeyed a fortnight when the weather turned bitter and cold. They had come to the three greatest peaks of the Misty Mountains, under which the dwarves of old had delved deep; Caradhras the Redhorn, Celebdil the Silver-tine, and Fanuidhol the Cloudyhead. Toward the Dimrill Dale to the Redhorn Gate, under the far side of Caradhras, Gandalf guides them while Legolas cheers the fellowship with song...

Legolas: [singing]
O! What are we doing and where are we going?
Death we are wooing! Toward the dark power growing!
O! tra-la-la-lally we go through the valley! ha! ha!

O! It's Frodo they're seeking, and if he is taken,
By Orcs that are reeking, his rear will be bakin'!
O! tril-lil-lil-lolly the quest is jolly, ha! ha!

O! Hobbits are true and our Frodo isn't afraid!
To die and turn blue or be diced with a blade!
And Pippen and Merry cooked with gooseberry, ha! ha!

O! They are not scared, or frightened away!
To be skewered, pared, served as a Goblin entree!

O! Frodo's eyes gouged out, his bowels unplugged,
To be hung by the snout, he's not the least bugged!

O! His skin slowly peeled, his brains turned to muck,
His blood all congealed, his skull they will--

Frodo: Whoa!!! That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, Legolas! Heh. Looks like the snow is really coming down...
Legolas: But Bilbo said you really enjoyed Elvish singing, Frodo...
CARADHRAS: [Halt! Who art thou?]
CELEBDIL: [Caradhras, you idiot! We are mountains, they can't hear us!]
FANUIDHOL: [What? We've got company?]
Frodo: Oh it was, a--, it was lovely and all, but the snow is getting quite difficult now...

Gimli: I'm telling you, we should go through Khazad-dum! My cousin Balin will be more than--
Gandalf: Oh shut up already Gimli! We've heard enough from you about it every day for the last two weeks. We need to get through the Redhorn Gate if we can!
CARADHRAS: [Ack! A Dwarf! I shall have to kill them.]
Boromir: The snow is getting so fierce and deep it's becoming impossible to go forward!
CELEBDIL: [Shall I cause a snow slide?]
Pippin: Wow, who would have guessed all the white stuff on top of the mountains was snow, anyway?
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, I don't think so.]
Legolas: It's not bothering me at all. See, I can walk right over it...
CARADHRAS: [Well, what do I think?]
Aragorn: Shouldn't that be physically impossible, Legolas?

Legolas: Not at all, Aragorn! See these mesh frame things? They are called "snowshoes" in the old tongue.
CELEBDIL: [I think bury them.]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, let's be nice to them.]
CELEBDIL: [Oh, shut up.]
CARADHRAS: [And you. Oh, quick! I want to bury them in an avalanche!]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, go bury yourself!]
CELEBDIL: [Yes, do us all a favour!]
CARADHRAS: [What?]
FANUIDHOL: [Quaking all the time.]
Gandalf: The way has become to perilous! There must be a foul influence at work here!

CELEBDIL: [You're lucky. You're not next to him.]
CARADHRAS: [What do you mean?]
CELEBDIL: [You rumble!]
CARADHRAS: [Oh, I don't. Anyway, you're tottering.]
CELEBDIL: [Well, it's only because you are crushing up against me.]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, stop *****ing and let's go back to sleep.]
CARADHRAS: [Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll bury them in snow first and then back to sleep and rumbling.]
CELEBDIL: [Yes.]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, not rumbling.]
CARADHRAS: [All right. All right, no rumbling, but let's bury them anyway.]
ALL THREE MOUNTAINS: [Right!]

CELEBDIL: [They've buggered off.]
FANUIDHOL: [So they have. They've scarpered.]

Gandalf: Legolas, couldn't you have brought enough of those shoes for everybody?!
Legolas: Look, I'm sorry, but I simply didn't get the memo--
Gimli: Well I said all along we should go through Khazad-dum. That my cousin Balin will be more than--
Everyone: Shut up Gimli!

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 10
The Doors of Kazad-dum

Narrator: Following the near disastrous attempt to cross through the Redhorn Gate, the fellowship has made it's way to the Hollin gate of Kazad-dum. By a large dark and menacingly still lake, the doors are between two ancient and immense trees.

Pippin: Hoy! Nice doors!

Gimli: They are marked with the emblems of Durin!
Legolas: And with the Tree of the High Elves!
Gandalf: And the Star of the House of Feanor.
Frodo: What does the writing say? I thought I knew the elf-letters, but I cannot read these.
Gandalf: The words are in the elven-tongue of the West of Middle-earth in the Elder Days, but they do not say anything of importance to us.
Sam: All the same, I'd like to hear what they say.
Gandalf: Well, over here is a series of names that have been crossed out and over-written... Durin's Kazad-dum... Hotel Khalifornia... Kilroy was here... All your base are belong to us... Mines of Moria, under new management - signed Balin.
Gimli: Balin!
Boromir: That's all well and good, but how do we get in?
Gandalf: Over here it says "Speak, friend, and enter."
Merry: What does it mean by that?
Gimli: That is plain enough, if you are a friend, speak the password, and the doors will open.
Gandalf: What that word is, however, has long since passed out of recorded memory.
Boromir: You don't know the password?!
Gandalf: No!
Boromir: Oh, we are screwed!

[Boromir casts a large stone far into the water]
Frodo: Don't disturb this foul pool!
Boromir: Sorry, I thought I saw something moving out there...
Pippin: I've got it! Why don't we say the word "friend" in every language we can think of!
Gandalf: Oh, fool of a Took! Don't be ridiculous!
Legolas: What a loon!
Gimli: Silly hobbit, it wouldn't be THAT simple!
Pippin: I guess it does sound rather moronic...
Gandalf: I know! Why don't we use the Holy Hand Grenade of Elendil!
Frodo: The what?
Gandalf: The Holy Hand Grenade of Elendil. 'Tis one of the several dozen relics of Isildur that Aragorn lugs around with him.
Boromir: Yes. Of course.
Gandalf: (shouting) Aragorn, get out the Holy Hand Grenade!
Frodo: How does it, um-- how does it work?
Gandalf: Well, I don't know.
Aragorn: Hold on, I think I've got an instruction manual in here somewhere... Right! The Noldor Book of Armaments!

Gandalf: Let us turn to the Noldor Book of Weapons and Armaments... Chapter 143, verses nine to twenty-one.
It came to pass that Celebrimbor did cast his gaze upon the wickedness of Sauron and became quite hacked at him for his treachery. And Celebrimbor raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Sacred Valar, bless this Thy Holy Hand Grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine dark and mischievous enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.'
And the Eldar did grin, and the Numenoreans did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and and large chu--
Aragorn: Skip a bit, Gandalf! It looks like something large and monstrous in the lake is moving towards us!
Gandalf: Ummm... Right! And Celebrimbor spake, saying, 'First shalt thou pull thy pin from the top of thine Holy Hand Grenade. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number of thy count, and the number of thy count shall be three. Four shalt shalt not the count be, nor either two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once thy count is three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
Aragorn: Right!
One!... Two!... Five!
Frodo: Three, Aragorn!
Aragorn: Three!

[BOOOMMM!!!]

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 11
The Balroooggggg of Moria

Frodo and the Fellowship have become lost and trapped within the old dwarven mines of Khazad-dum...
Frodo: There! A bloodied book!
Aragorn: What does it say?
Sam: What language is that?
Frodo: Master Gandalf! You are a wizard, do you know these markings?

Gandalf: Dwarvish... It's from Balin!
Gimli: Of course Balin the Dwarf would write in Dwarvish you silly gits!
Legolas: 'Course!
Frodo: What does it say?
Gandalf: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Balin son of Fundin. We are trapped. There is no way to get out. If you are reading this, you're screwed. Beware Durin's Bane! Beware the Balroooggggg...
Frodo: What?
Gandalf: '... the Balroooggggg...'
Borimir: What is that?
Gandalf: Maybe they were playing a pick-up game of basketball with the Orcs and he meant ball-hog.
Gimli: Oh, come on!
Gandalf: Well, he could have.
Frodo: Look, if he was playing basketball, he wouldn't bother to write complaining about a ball-hog. He'd just whack him with his axe!
Gandalf: Well, that's what's recorded in the book!
Pippen: Perhaps he was goal tending.
Frodo: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
Gandalf: No. Just, 'Balroooggggg'.
Aragorn: Balroooggggg.
Frodo: Balroooggggg.
Merry: Do you suppose he meant Balrooghamy?
Aragorn: Where's that?
Boromir: In the Dunland, I think.
Legolas: Don't the Harad have a Balrogodog?
Frodo: No, that's Dalrogadog.
Aragorn: Oh, yes. Dalrogadog.
Everyone: Dalrogadog.
Sam: Dear God!
Aragorn: No, no. 'Dalrogadog', like the one in that song by the Jackson-Rhun 5. Dalrogadog.
Sam: N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Dear God', in surprise and alarm.
Aragorn: Oh, you mean sort of a 'Dear Me'!
Sam: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!
Frodo: Oooh!
Aragorn: By the light of Earendil's star!
[dramatic chord]
[roar]
Gandalf: It's the Bane of Durin! A Balrog!!!
[The incredibly large, flaming, monstrous Balrog rambles toward the Fellowship brandishing a fiery sword and whip]
Sam: That's it! That's it!
Frodo: Run away!
Everyone: Run away!
[roar]
Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!
[roar]

[Aulë]

Keep running!
[more roaring and flames]
[roar]
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!...
Sam: We've lost him.
[roar]
Everyone: Aagh! Keep running!
Gandalf: We are... [huff] so... [puff] screwed.
Boromir: We just have to keep running.
Gandalf: (falling behind huffing and puffing - he's a smoker) It... [huff] matters not! [huff-puff] You cannot... [cough] outrun the... [huff-puff] Balrog! [cough-hack]
Legolas: We don't have to...
Gimli: ... we just have to out run YOU!
Narrator: As the horrendous Balrog lunged forward, escape for the Fellowship seemed hopeless, when suddenly, Gandalf turned and (using his wizard's staff) smashed the stone bridge he had just crossed in a desperate bid to save his out-of-breathe wheezing arse. The Balrog fell, but unfortunately took Gandalf with him.
Gandalf: Ulk! [cough-hack!]
Narrator: The "Bane of Durin" peril was no more. The quest of the Fellowship of the Ring could continue...





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The Fellowship of Ring: Scene 12
'An Eagle Carrying A Wizard?'

Frodo: Whoa there!
[everyone comes to a halt at the outskirts of beautiful and wonderous Lothlorien]
Elf #1: Halt! Who goes there?
Frodo: It is I, Frodo Baggins of the Shire, member of the Fellowship of the Ring. Bearer of the great and evil ring of Sauron, charged with a quest by Elrond of Rivendell to save all Middle Earth!
Elf #1: And the other one?
Frodo: And this is my trusty servant Sam.

We have journeyed the length and breadth of the land in search of those who will aid us in our quest against the evil of Mordor. I must speak with the Lord and Lady of the Galadrim!
Elf #1: Hey, weren't you supposed to be traveling with a wizard?
Frodo: Yes!
Elf #1: Well, where is he?
Frodo: He has fallen in a horrible and epic battle with the foul Balrog of Moria.
Elf #1: How did he manage to escape from Isengard to begin with?
Frodo: What does it matter? We have traveled since the snows of fury covered the mountains, through the mines of Moria, through--
Elf #1: Where'd he catch up with you?
Frodo: In Rivendell.
Elf #1: At Elrond's? In Rivendell? All the way from Isengard?!?
Frodo: What do you mean?
Elf #1: Well, it was simply to far to travel in so short of time!
Frodo: The eagles may fly south with the sun or the dragons or the ravens may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
Elf #1: Are you suggesting wizards fly like eagles, that they migrate?
Frodo: Not at all, they could be carried.
Elf #1: What -- an eagle carrying a wizard?
Frodo: It could grip him by the arms!
Elf #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A hundred pound eagle cannot carry a hundred and eighty pound wizard.
Frodo: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel that Frodo Baggins of the Shire is here.
Elf #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, an eagle needs to beat its wings thirty-two times every second, right?
Frodo: Please!
Elf #1: Am I right?
Frodo: I'm not interested!
Elf #2: It could be a northern eagle!
Elf #1: Oh, yeah, a northern eagle maybe, but not a regular southern eagle, that's my point.
Elf #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
Frodo: Will you please ask your Lord and Lady if they will aid us in our quest?!
Elf #1: But then of course northern eagles don't go far from their nests.
Elf #2: Oh, yeah...
Elf #1: So one wouldn't have gone all the way to Isengard anyway...
[Frodo and the remaining members of the fellowship walk past the arguing elves in disgust and proceed on without them]
Elf #2: Wait a minute -- Supposing two eagles carried a wizard together?
Elf #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line of some type...
Elf #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
Elf #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Elf #2: Well, why not?





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Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 13
Lord and Lady of the Galadrim

Celeborn: Welcome! Welcome to Caras Galadon!
Frodo: Thank you, you are most generous to offer us shelter and rest from our burdens.

Galadriel: But there are only eight of you. We were warned-- er... told that the fellowship was of nine.
Aragorn: Alas! Gandalf the Grey fell into shadow. He remained in Moria and did not escape.
Celeborn: These are evil tidings, the most evil spoken here in long years full of grievous deeds...
Frodo: Yes, our grief is great and our loss cannot be mended.
Galadriel: Put aside your despair for a time, dear Frodo, because you are about to be the next contestant on... "Who wants to be an Elven-heir?!"
Frodo: What?! Me?!
Galadriel: Yes! Haldir, tell our contestant what he'll be playing for today.
Haldir: Certainly m'lady, Frodo you'll be competing for the grand prize of a free luxury comfort trip to far away Mount Doom to fulfill your quest with ease... complete with an escort of all the armed might of the Elven kingdoms of Middle-Earth! Fail, and you'll get some lovely parting gifts and have to walk there by yourselves while we hightail it west.
Galadriel: Are you ready for the first question?
Frodo: (visibly breaking out in a sweat) Yes, okay, sure...
Celeborn: For our first question, what is the creature Gollum's real name?
Frodo: Oh, that's an easy one! Gandalf told me it was Smeagol!
Galadriel: Correct!
Haldir: Excellent answer, you and your party have just won these lovely Elven hooded travelling cloaks with beautiful leaf-shaped brooches made with authentic green enamel and genuine silver plating! Each is lovingly embroidered with our "Who wants to be an Elven-heir?!" logo.
Pippin: Ooooowww!
Merry: Ahhhhh!
Celeborn: Next question, by what type of weapon was the dragon Smaug the Golden slain?
Legolas: Oh! Oh! I know this one!
Galadriel: Shhh! No helping unless Frodo uses one of his three "lifelines."
Frodo: Ummm... it was a fellow called Bard the Bowman of Esgaroth that shot him with... an arrow, I believe.
Celeborn: Is that your final answer?
Frodo: Y-yes... arrow is my final answer.
Celeborn: Well, I'm a afraid that is absolutely... correct!
Haldir: Yes Frodo, you have just won a full month's supply of Lembas! Yes, Lembas, that wonderful tasty treat passed down to us from the legendary Elves of Keebler!
Sam: Whooohooo!
Celeborn: For our next question, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, how many times does a southern eagle need to beat his wings a minute?
Frodo: Hoy! I don't know that, let me use one of my lifelines please!
Galadriel: Alright Frodo, do you want to a) ask the other members of your party, b) choose between two possible answers, or c) contact someone.
Frodo: I would like to contact Radagast the Brown, please.
[Galadriel pours a silver pitcher of water from her fountain into a basin]
Galadriel: Gaze into my mirror.
[Frodo looks into the blue water. After a moment, a pale white triangular sign floats to the surface. It reads... "Try Again Later"]
Galadriel: Ack! Ruddy mirror!
[Galadriel gives the basin a shake and the message swirls out of sight]
Radagast: Hello?
Celeborn: Greetings Radagast, this is Celeborn calling from "Who wants to be an Elven-heir?!"
Radagast: Oh! Splendid! How may I be of service?
Frodo: Salutations sir, I need to know how many times does a southern eagle need to beat his wings a minute to maintain air-speed velocity?
Radagast: Hmmm... Indeed. A southern eagle, you say? Not a northern one?
Frodo: Yes, a southern eagle Master Radagast.
Radagast: 42! No, no! Wait, that's the answer to something else, no wait...
Galadriel: Your time limit is running out!
Radagast: Oh yes! Of course! It's thir--
Celeborn: Alas! The connection ran out of time! Are you ready with your answer Frodo?
Frodo: I think I'd like to use another lifeline if I may!
Galadriel: Alright, would you like to a) ask the other members of your party or b) choose between two possible answers?
[Frodo casts a glance at the faces of his nervous and clueless companions]
Frodo: I'd like to choose between two answers, please.
Galadriel: Your two possible answers are... 32 and 33.
[Frodo smacks his forehead with his hand]
Frodo: Oh, I'm screwed!
Celeborn: Your answer is?
Frodo: 33. I'm going to go with 33.
Celeborn: Is that your final answer?
Frodo: Ruddy-hel, yes already!
Celeborn: Well Frodo, it just so happens that 33 is completely... incorrect!
Everyone: Doh!
Galadriel: Oh, so sorry! Haldir, tell our guest what they will be receiving today for being on our show.

[Aulë]

Haldir: Certainly Lady Galadriel! Starting with our contestant Frodo, we have a nifty glow-in-the-dark crystal vial of water from Galadriel's fountain!
Frodo: Ummm... That water is from the same fountain we were drinking out of earlier? I suddenly feel a bit quesy...
Haldir: For Aragorn, our parting gift today is a lovely sheath for your sword!
Aragorn: Wow, thanks! It's been a real pain carrying this thing around without one.
Haldir: And for Boromir, we have this handsome gold colored belt!
Boromir: Nice. Not wonderful, but nice.
Haldir: For our cousin from the north, Legolas, we have this bow and quiver of arrows!
Legolas: Spify!
Haldir: Merry and Pippin of the Shire, for you we have these rugged and fashionable silver colored belts!
Merry: Ohhh!
Pippin: Shiny!
Haldir: We started running low on gifts, but for master Samwise we were able to come up with this fabulous... box of soil!
Sam: Gee, thanks. Is there anything special about the dirt?
Celeborn: Why yes, we scooped it up from right over there.
Sam: Okay...
Haldir: And now last, but certainly not least, for Gimli we have... a wish!
Gimli: A wish?
Galadriel: Yes, my dear dwarf, a wish! After we finished cleaning out my closet-- er... I mean... clearing out our supply of gifts, we realized that we were one short. So, you are therefore granted one wish provided it is within our power to provide it for you.
Merry: Whoa! All I got was a lousy belt!
Gimli: If I may, m'lady, I would but ask for a single strand of your golden hair to make into an heirloom for my family in remembrance of your kindness and unsurpassed beauty...
Galadriel: I shall give you three strands, my bashful flatterer! Now please load up in these boats and be on your way.

Celeborn: Right. Nice having you here and all, let us know how it turns out!
[The fellowship gets into the boats and quickly travel along the water of the Silverlode]
Gimli: I shall treasure the wonder of Lothlorien forever... and the beauty of it's lady--
Pippin: Oh! Gimli, you are such a wanker!
Gimli: What?!
Pippin: You could have asked her for just about anything!
Merryn: Yeah, maybe even something involving nudity!
Gimli: Doh!!!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Narrative Interlude
'Meanwhile, back in Isengard...'

Narrator: Frodo had indeed won several fabulous prizes and some nice parting gifts from the Lord and Lady of the Galadrim, but the members of the fellowship were still deeply disheartened by the loss of Gandalf.
Pippin: Hey guys, look at all the cool towels and bath soaps Merry and I got from the Galadon Inn!
Narrator: Meanwhile, the wizard Saruman, not more than a eagle's flight away in Isengard, was about to unleash his ultimate weapon upon the fellowship. Oh, that's a northern eagle's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two southern eagles' flights away-- four, really, if they had a wizard on a line between them. I mean, if the eagles were walking and dragging--
Crowd of Hobbits: Get on with it!
Narrator: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Frodo discovers a vital secret about Boromir, and in which there aren't any eagles, although I think you can hear a starling--
[WHACK!!!]
Narrator: Oooh! I say! Well, alright then... meanwhile, back in Isengard...
Saruman: Yes-indeed-e, oh boy! And now-a I unleash... "La Vache de Guerre!" Ze fighting Uruk-Cow-a!!!

Uruk-Cow: MooOOOooooOOOOO!
Saruman: Now go my unbeatable-type hordes and bring me Hobbits-a!!!
Orcs: Grrraghhhahh!!! Get the Hobbits!
Uruk-Cow: Moo moo moo!!!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 14
The Bridge at the Falls of Rauros

Narrator: Following the river Anduin, the fellowship passes the "Pillars of the Kings," ancient and towering Argonath.

Aragorn: Long have I desired to look upon the likenesses of Isildur and Anarion, my sires of old. Under their shadow Elessar, the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of Valandil Isildur's son, heir of Elendil, has not to dread! WhoOOooOOAA!!!
[SPLASH!]
Pippin: Really now-- you would think that Aragorn-whatever-his-name-Elessar there would know better than to stand up in the ruddy boat!
Haldir: Hmmm... It's a good thing Lady Galadriel told me to accompany you lot to the Falls of Rauros.

Narrator: At long last they can go no further along the river with the elven boats given them by the Lord and Lady of the Galadrim. Now they must face the Bridge at the Falls of Rauros...

Legolas: There it is!
Aragorn: The Bridge at the Falls of Rauros!
Boromir: Oh, great.
Frodo: Look! There's the old man that was hanging out at the Prancing Pony in scene 7!
Sam: What is he doing here?
Aragorn: He is the keeper of the Bridge at the Falls of Rauros. He asks each traveller five questions--
Legolas: Three questions.
Aragorn: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
Legolas: Three questions.
Aragorn: Three questions may cross in safety.
Merry: What if you get a question wrong?
Aragorn: Then you are cast beyond the Falls of Rauros into Gorge of Eternal Forum Flaming.
Pippin: Oh, I won't go.
Gimli: Who's going to answer the questions?
Aragorn: Boromir!
Boromir: Yes?
Aragorn: My brave kinsman Boromir of Gondor, you go.
Boromir: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Frodo go? I'll even hold his ring for him--
Frodo: Yes. Let me go. I will put on my ring and take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--
Aragorn: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
Legolas: Three questions.
Aragorn: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray to the Valar for guidance.
Frodo: I understand, no problem.
Aragorn: Good luck, brave Frodo of the Shire. May the light of Earendil's star be with you.
Bridgekeeper: Stop!

Who would cross the Falls of Rauros Bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Frodo: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Frodo: My name is Frodo Baggins.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Frodo: To cast the one ring of Sauron into the fires of Mount Doom.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Frodo: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Right. Off you go.
Frodo: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Boromir: That's easy!
Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who approacheth the Falls of Rauros Bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Boromir: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Boromir: Boromir, son of Steward Denethor the second.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Boromir: To destroy the power of Sauron.
Bridgekeeper: What... was the first capital of Arthedain?
[pause]
Boromir: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
Bridgekeeper: Stop! What... is your name?
Haldir: Haldir of Lothlorien.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Haldir: To get these silly gits across this bridge.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Haldir: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
Aragorn: It is Aragorn, the Elessar, the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of Valandil Isildur's son, heir of Elendil!
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Aragorn: To destroy the one ring and power of Sauron.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen eagle?
Aragorn: What do you mean? A southern or northern eagle?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!
Legolas: How do know so much about eagles?
Aragorn: Well, you have to know these things if you are going to be a king, you know.
[suspenseful music]
[music suddenly stops]
[intermission]
[suspenseful music resumes]

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 15
Breaking of the Fellowship

Narrator: Just as Aragorn, the Elessar, the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of-- Oh, dash it all, you know who I'm talking about already! Anyway, just as he was about to cross the infamous Bridge at the Falls of Rauros, the horde of Saruman attacked.

Orcs: Aaaarrrghhhahh!
Uruk-Cow: MooOOOooooOOOOOOO!!!

Narrator: Seeing that they were heavily outnumbered, Aragorn used his famed sword Anduril to cut the lines of the bridge to protect the ringbearer, Frodo, who had already crossed.
Merry: Doh!
Pippin: What a wanker!

Narrator: As Gimli, Legolas, Merry and Pippin fought off the horde of orcs, Aragorn squared off against the dreaded Uruk-Cow...

[Aulë]

Aragorn: You fight with the strength of many men and orcs, Uruk-cow.
[pause]
I am Aragorn, heir of Elendil.
[pause]
I beseech you to cast aside the tainted influence of Saruman and join in our struggle against the evil forces that threaten men and bovine alike.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy. Will you not join me?
[snort]
You make me sad. So be it.
Uruk-Cow: Moo moo moo.
Aragorn: What?
Uruk-Cow: Moo moo moo.
Aragorn: I have no quarrel with you, good cow, but I must aid my companions.
Uruk-Cow: MooOOOooo mooo moo.
Aragorn: I command you, as the heir of Elendil, to stand aside!
Uruk-Cow: (SNORT) MoooOOooooOOO.
Aragorn: So be it!
Aragorn and Uruk-Cow: Aaah!, moo!, hiyaah!, moOOOoo!, etc...
[Aragorn chops the Uruk-Cow's left front leg off]
Aragorn: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Uruk-Cow: Moo MoooOOOoo Mooooo.
Aragorn: A scratch? Your leg's off!
Uruk-Cow: Moo, moooMooooo.
Aragorn: Well, what's that then, a ruddy porterhouse?
Uruk-Cow: Moo moo moo.
Aragorn: You've had worse?! You liar!
Uruk-Cow: MoooOOOoooOOoo!
[clang]
Huyah!
[clash]
Mooooo!
[smash]
Aaaaahah!
[Aragorn chops the Uruk-Cow's right front leg off]
Aragorn: Victory is mine!
[kneeling]
We thank Thee Scared Valar, that in Thy mer--
Uruk-Cow: Moo!
[kick]
Aragorn: What?
Uruk-Cow: MooOOO moo!
[kick]
Aragorn: Eh. You are indeed brave, noble cow, but the fight is mine.
Uruk-Cow: Moo, mooOOOoooOO?
Aragorn: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no front legs left.
Uruk-Cow: Moo, MoOOooo.
Aragorn: No you don't, look!
Uruk-Cow: MoooOOOOooOOOOO.
[kick]
Aragorn: Look, now stop that.
Uruk-Cow: Moooooo!
[kick]
Aragorn: Look, I'll have your back leg.
[kick]
Right!
[whop]
[Aragorn chops the Uruk-Cow's right back leg off]
Uruk-Cow: MOOOO. MoooOOOOOooo moo MOOOOO!
Aragorn: You'll what?
Uruk-Cow: Mooo MoooOOOOO!
Aragorn: Come over there? What are you going to do, squirt milk at me?
Uruk-Cow: Mooo MOOOOOOOOOOO!
Aragorn: You're a looney.
Uruk-Cow: MoooOOOOOO! Moo moooOOOOoooo! Mooo, moo.
[whop]
[Aragorn chops the Uruk-Cow's last leg off]
Uruk-Cow: Moo? MoooOOOOoo, mooo-mooOOOooo mooo.
Aragorn: Hah! A draw, eh? Ruddy mad cow... What's the situation Legolas?
Legolas: We have slain a great many of the orcs, but they managed to grab Merry and Pippin during the fight and carry them off! I can find no sign of Sam, he must have already crossed the bridge before the battle.
Aragorn: Blast! We have no way to get across the river, so our only option is to attempt to rescue Merry and Pippin.
Gimli: (looking over at the Uruk-Cow) You know, the Hobbits ate all the Lembas... and Lothlorien was the last time we had a decent meal...
Aragorn: True, Gimli, but if we set off now we will have a better chance of catching up to the orcs. What do you think Legolas?
Legolas: I think I've got dibs on those ribs right there--
Uruk-Cow: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Frodo: Looks like it is just you and I, Sam. The others shall have to fend for themselves.
Sam: Yeah, what a bunch of wankers. It's just us now against the awesome might and power of Mordor and the furious evil of Sauron!
Frodo: [SIGH] I am soooo screwed.

To be continued in... Monty Python: The Two Towers!

[Morgoth]

Blimey! That's fantastic. Absolutely incredible. Pippin Took, thank you for bringing this ray of happiness into my life.

[Wonko The Sane]

I CAN'T BELIEVE I READ THE WHOLE THING!!!!
I HAVE NO LIFE!!!
:) But that is SERIOUSLY funny!

[omnipotent_elf]

yeah, thanx pip ;)

[Wonko The Sane]

Wormtongue to Saruman: Talk talk talk!! That's all you ever do!!

STOP WHINING!!! I'm so NOT going to be your minion anymore!

[Morgoth]

This is a Silmaril Characters version of Things they would never say:
Morgoth (cast into the void): All right, we'll call it a draw
Turin Turambar: I'm the luckiest man alive
Feanor: Ah, they were'nt that pretty anyway

[Wonko The Sane]

Sam to the orcs in the tower: You know what, you're right. Frodo is kind of a wuss...In fact...let me have a hand with that whip!

[Aulë]

Eowyn to Wormtongue
"Oh, You sexy beast!"

[Wonko The Sane]

There's no "m" in Eowyn.

Wormtongue to Eomer: "Forget your sister...it's YOU I want!"

[Aulë]

What are you talking about??? ;)

Treebeard: We must go to the Entroot!
(if the Entwives were still around...)

[Wonko The Sane]

Pippin: Hey, Denethor...dude...your shoe's untied.

[Morgoth]

Sam: That's it. You can stuff your ring, I'm going home!

[Emowyn]

Legolas when running through Rohan: OOWWWW! My feet hurt...I'm hungry....I'm so tired....can we stop?......Are we there yet?

ok that was bad :p probs already been done too...hey, so sue me!

[Wonko The Sane]

Legolas overheard arguing with Galadriel late into the night: I am SOOO prettier than you!! I mean it!!! What?! What do you mean old?!?! I have no wrinkles?! Roots?! You can see my roots?! Oh my...Fine!!! I'm taking my hair ties and my barettes and I'm going home!

[Sador]

Aragorn:
Seventy-odd years of living rough, do you have any idea how bad hemmaeroids can get?
Sam:
Time for your sponge-bath Mr Fodo sir.
Gimli:
"Three strands of hair?!? How stingy can an elf queen get?"
Gandalf:
"Just the low-tar leaf thanks, I'm cutting down"
Boromir:
"Bloody halflings, can't take a joke!"
Legolas:
"What a feast! I got completely Legless!"

[reem]

The nine Nazgul, with their captain in the head, bow low to Sauron.
"My Lord, we have brought you the Ring!" Says their captian in his
terrible voice, presenting his master with the Ring on a red Cusion and still bowing respectfully.
...they all wait (still bowing) but nothing happens.
"My Lord," starts the Captain again, uncertainly. "Your foes are all dead. Those left alive are in such misery and torment as only your servants can impose! You are King!! All is now under your Power! the Ring, my Lord!"
Still nothing happened.
"err...sir?" whishpered one of the Nazgul into the ear of his Captain.
"What?!" snapped his Captain.
"I think we overlooked one minor point, sir."
"What?" said the Captain, more annoyed than ever.
"err..well,"
Blink Blibk
" he's an eye, sir!"
"...oh....OOOOOOOHH ****!!! now what?!!"




the Nazgul finally catch Frodo. "Here you go sir, you dropped your Ring."

reem

[Ol'gaffer]

Witchking: As you can see mr.Baggins we've had our *eye* on you for sometime now. It appears you have you been living two lives.

Frodo: Nothing happened between me and Galadriel, it was all just drunk talk.

Witchking: Wha-? No, not that. What I mean is that during the day you are Frodo Baggins, you keep the shire calm, you are nice to sam. And you, take out your uncle's garbage.

Frodo: And you wouldn't believe how much there is that! Boy I tell yo-

Witchking: SILENCE! During the evenings on the otherhand you turn to the alias known as the ringbearer, who is responsible for many icky, icky good things to this land.

Frodo: :rolleyes: and?

Witchking: One of these lives has a future, the other does not.
We're willing to wipe this clean, and forget all of it, if you hand over the one ring...

Frodo: How 'bout two? :D

(Witchking slaps Frodo)

Withcking: Good god man! Get a hold of yourself! we're both proffessionals here!

Frodo:...sorry.

Witchking: Now, you have two choices

Frodo: And a cookie?

*SLAP*

Frodo: Thanks.

Witchking: You can either hand in the one ring or then lead us to the man known as Gandalf.

Frodo: NO! I WON'T HELP YOU!

(the nazgul grab Frodo and put him on the table, one of them grabs handcuffs)

Witchking: You're going to help us wether you want to or not.

(He cuffs Frodo together with Gollum)

Witchking: The cuffs don't come off until you decide what's best for you, mr.Baggins.

Gollum: We is togethers fors evers!

Frodo: AAAAAH!!

*Wakes up in his own bed*

Frodo: What a nightmare...

Gollum: I say. I'm not sleepings in the sames bed withs yous agains!

Frodo: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[Morgoth]

Ooh, a Matrix spoof! Very good Ol'Gaffer!

[reem]

gandalf and aragorn return from a scouting expadition and find pippin lying on the floor clutching his jaw and moaning in pain and the rest of the group standing around him in apparent concern.
"what happened here?!" demands gandlaf.
"Pippin tried speaking dwarveish." answers frodo.
"And?"
"...that's it. he tried speaking dwarvish and his jaw cracked!"


reem

[Morgoth]

Frodo (on the Weathertop): I can't go on, Sam.
Sam: Why not Mr Frodo
Frodo: I really have to see the new Harry Potter film
Aragorn: We're losing him to the darkness. He'll become one of them soon
Sam: What, a Daniel Radcliffe-Wraith?
Aragorn: I'm afraid only elvish medicine can save him now
Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter): So... I'm a.... Wizard
Gandalf: No, I'm a wizard. Your dark fire will not avail you, go back to the shadow, Flame of Anor.
*Gandalf's staff crashes round Harry Potter's head, leaving him on the floor, blood coming out of his ears*
Gandalf: Bloody kids

[BlackCaptain]

hahahahahahaha... that was GREAT.

Aragorn: Gandalf! You have returned when all hope has faded!

Gandalf: Im not realy gandalf... *unzips self*. Im Dumbeldore!. And this isnt really a white robe *unzips robe*, Oh, nevermind. I guess it is

[Hawkblaze]

Smeagol: We really should get a new haircut, precious.
Gollum: What did you say?

[Shadowfax]

I haven't been keeping up with the posts for awhile, so I don't know if anyone's done this:

(Theoden and Grima after Gandalf takes Shadowfax to CoE)

Theoden: Dude... where's my horse?
Grima: Dude where's your horse?
Theo: Dude, where's my horse?
Grima: Dude, where's your horse?
Theo: Dude....

[LadyDernhelm]

Sam: "I made a promise, Mister Frodo. Don't you leave 'im, Samwise Gamgee - but I've got this pressing appointment...besides, Gollum can look after you..." *scurries back to the Shire*

Gollum: "Taterss? We lovesss taterss!"

Arwen: "What's with this stupid heroine stuff, anyway?"

Aragorn: "You're right, Éowyn. I should get Arwen a one-way ticket to the Grey Havens..."

Éowyn: "Do I have to go?"

[moon cloud]

Grima: yah. I don't like girls anyway, gorgeous.
Dernhelm: Neither do I

[reem]

The comapny is in Moria in the Chamber of Mazabul when suddenly the booming sound of rolling drums shake the very earth to its roots.
terror takes them as they stand frozen.
DOOM, DOOM. DOOM, DOOM. DOOM,DOOM.
suddenly gandalf lifts up his hands and chants, "heyah heyah heyah heyah!" doing a little jig.

reem

[Morgoth]

Sam: You know Mr Frodo, I think that one day, people will songs about you in the Shire
Frodo: Do you really, Sam?
Sam: No. I was just making conversation. I think we'll be dead before the month is out. Or you will, at least.

[Morgoth]

Frodo: You know Sam, I'm glad i'm here with you.
Sam: Really Mr Frodo?
Frodo: No, I'd much rather be here with that lovely Liv Tyler

[redline2200]

Elrond to Earendil right before they see each other for the last time:

Dad, before you become a star forever, I have something to tell you.........I'm gay.

[Morgoth]

Aragorn (to Arwen): Well if you're going to ***** about doing the ironing, I'll go and find Eowyn

[Morgoth]

Rosie (to Sam): I don't care where you've been, Samwise Gamgee, your Cottage Pie's got all cold.

[e.Blackstar]

Aragorn: Whats with the broken sword, anyway? Wouldn't it just be easier to buy a new one?

Arwen(to Eowyn): Awww heck, you can have him. I'm going to spend forever sunbathing on the beautiful shores of the Undying lands.

Frodo(to sam):You want it?

Aragorn(about Borimor): Finally, he's dead. The big-headed,usurping little...

Eowyn(about grima): Isn't he absolutly fascinating? And sooooooo handsome. The pale, washed-out look really works for him, don't you think?

[balrog]

Gollum to Gandalf:

"You can't handle the Truthses"

[Shadowfax]

Originally posted by balrog
Gollum to Gandalf:

"You can't handle the Truthses"

HAHAHA!!! That was great!

[Aulë]

Gollum (in Tom Cruise 'Jerry Maguire' style): "Show me the precioussss!"

[Emowyn]

Gandalf (Arriving in Hobbiton): No no Frodo, I've just come to drop off these fireworks. I'm going now, goodbye.

[Emowyn]

Gollum: There's somthing fishy about that ring. I don't want it anymore, I'm off to find some tartes.

[Aulë]

Gandalf: "Is it secret? Is it safe?"
Frodo: "Nah, I gave it to some nice men riding horsies yesterday."

~OR~

Gandalf: "Is it secret? Is it safe?"
Frodo: "Hmmm, I lost it a few months ago. Why? Is it important?"

[Emowyn]

lol go pippin!

[Aulë]

To Frodo's astonishment and distress the wizard threw the Ring into the middle of a glowing corner of the fire.
Frodo gave a cry and groped for the tongs, but it was too late- the Ring had melted.

[LadyDernhelm]

To Frodo's astonishment and distress the wizard through the Ring into the middle of a glowing corner of the fire.
Frodo gave a cry and groped for the tongs, but it was too late- the Ring had melted.

Oh...wow...I have been lauging very hard over that one...

[Morgoth]

Pippin Took, those 'Is it Secret?