Jokes [Archive] - THE TOLKIEN FORUM

Wolfshead

09-30-2002, 10:44 PM

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.

They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Legolam

10-01-2002, 10:42 AM

That's a great one! :D

Spartan117

10-02-2002, 04:46 AM

Hey Craig, Thats great stuff, where did you find it?

Spartan117

10-02-2002, 04:48 AM

Heres another one:

Whats the difference between a set of bagpipes and a lawnmower??

You can tune a lawnmower.

Goldberry344

10-02-2002, 05:31 PM

ok, here i go.. hehe.

Whats small, purple and dangerous???

a grape with a gun.

Wolfshead

10-02-2002, 05:51 PM

Originally posted by Eomer88
Hey Craig, Thats great stuff, where did you find it?
The one about the planes I found on http://www.amazingjokes.com. But that's not where I usually get them :D

Wolfshead

10-02-2002, 05:52 PM

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She
knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl
says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches
up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and
she says "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

He ignores her again and continues down the street.

The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches
up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker
lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you
are losing some of your load!"

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The
trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says:

"Hi, my name is Andy and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"

Merry

10-03-2002, 03:47 PM

A girl walks in to a supermarket in Burnley and buys the following items:

1 Bar of Soap

1 Toothbrush

1 Tube of toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 apple

1 banana

1 orange

1 plum

1 grapefruit

1 tomato

1 lettuce

1 cabbage

1 baking potato

1 kraft single

1 samosa

1 vegetable pakora

1 muesli bar

1 pie

1 frozen pizza

1 single frozen dinner

The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels. As she turns he smiles at her and says,

Single, eh?

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies

"How did you guess?"

He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says

"Because you're minging"

Legolam

10-03-2002, 03:50 PM

Welcome back Merry! Good to see you're back on top form! :D

Merry

10-03-2002, 03:50 PM

Three snails, Mick, Andy & Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the
picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is
ten miles away, so it takes the ten days to get there. When they get there
Mick unpacks the food and beer.

'Ok Roy, give me the bottle opener, 'I
didn't bring it' says Roy. 'I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, He
turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle
opener' Naturally, Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from
anywhere without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it.
But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours,
and after they have sworn on their snail lives that they will not eat the
sandwiches, he finally agrees. So, Roy sets off down the road at a steady
pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving,
but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a
promise is a promise. Finally, they can't take it any longer so they take
out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from
behind a rock and shouts.
'I knew it'........... I'm not going now!'

Merry

10-03-2002, 03:52 PM

Hello Legolam sweetie, how are you?

Bit quiet around here isn't it?!?!

Legolam

10-03-2002, 03:56 PM

Too right! What happened to you over the summer? I thought you'd dropped off the face of the earth! :D :eek:

Merry

10-03-2002, 03:57 PM

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on
board.
Space command Houston calls:
"Monkey number 1, monkey number 1 come to the television screen."_ He sits
down and is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the
temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later Ground Control calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 come to the television screen." He sits
down and he is told to add carbon dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel
injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to
analyse the solar radiation.

So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen
and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters call again:
"Woman, woman, please approach the screen." She sits down and just as she
is about to be told what to do she says......."I know, I know! Feed the
monkeys, dont touch anything."

Legolam

10-03-2002, 03:58 PM

That's a good one, although I feel for the pride of females all over the world I should give you an official reprimand ;)

Merry

10-03-2002, 03:59 PM

Originally posted by Legolam
Too right! What happened to you over the summer? I thought you'd dropped off the face of the earth! :D :eek:

My job changed around a bit, then we had a nightmare with the UK examination results so I've been busy with that, these past few months have been manic!!

How are you? Exams all finished?

Ps We may get told off for chatting here, may have to pm you.

:)

Legolam

10-03-2002, 04:00 PM

Already two steps ahead of you, my dear :p

Merry

10-03-2002, 04:05 PM

One morning a woman finds her pet parrot lying stiff in his cage so she
takes it to the vets
The vet examines the parrot in the surgery and shakes his head
'I'm sorry but your parrot is dead' the vet tells her
The woman is very distressed ' he can't be dead he was just fine earlier, it
can't be right'

The vet leaves the room and a few minutes later returns with a Labrador, the
dog jumps up and puts his front paws on the table, he looks at the parrot
for a while and then at the vet and shakes his head, the vet leads the
Labrador out of the room

The vet comes back into the room with a cat, he places the cat onto the
table, the cat sniffs the parrot and then looks at the vet and shakes his
head, the vet takes the cat out of the room

The vet then returns and informs the woman that her parrot is indeed dead,
he then produces a bill for £120.00, the woman cries out '£120.00 to tell me
my parrot is dead that's ridiculous!!
The vet says 'well if you'd have just taken my word for it, the bill only
would have been £20.00.......................................
...............
..............
..............
..............
..............
.............
.............
.............
.............
..............
.............
.............
............
But what with the lab report and the cat scan'

Legolam

10-03-2002, 04:08 PM

Ooooooooh, that one just hurt! :D

legoman

10-03-2002, 04:12 PM

how many of these have you got merry, you been saving them up??

Merry

10-03-2002, 04:19 PM

Martin is in the house, the crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello chum, how are you?

legoman

10-03-2002, 04:23 PM

couldn't be better mate.
* the crowd quieten a little*
well obviously I could be better, but it would take a ball pool and an underwater camera - I don't even understand why I said that.

Goldberry344

10-03-2002, 08:39 PM

i know jokes, but they're all in the way they're told, not the words, ya know...?

anyhow.

whats brown and sticky??

a stick. hahaha. funny.

legoman

10-04-2002, 03:10 PM

hehehe, yeah the classics,

whats green has four wheels and grows in fields:

grass, I lied about the wheels.

lol.

Legolas_lover12

10-04-2002, 10:36 PM

oh, that's the most hilarious joke i've ever heard.:rolleyes: i don't have any jokes right now but i'll be back if i find any.:D

Wolfshead

10-04-2002, 11:48 PM

As we're going for some short jokes here...

What did Gepetto say to Pinochio when he caught him lying?

- Stop lying.

That's a damned good one!

legoman

10-05-2002, 03:03 PM

two elephants fell of a cliff,
boom boom!!

Legolas_lover12

10-05-2002, 03:15 PM

ok, a guys walks into bar

................................

he gets drunk, he leaves, end of story:rolleyes:

legoman

10-05-2002, 03:35 PM

nice, this is one I heard when on a camp, it was funny then but no ones ever laughed at it since then, lets see:

An irishman is sat on the floor.

He fell off.

Legolas_lover12

10-05-2002, 04:27 PM

hahahahahaha. that is kinda funny.

tookish-girl

10-05-2002, 09:35 PM

Here's one:

What's large and white and wears yellow check pants?

Rupert the fridge.

Wolfshead

10-05-2002, 10:43 PM

Guy walks into a bar

-Ouch!

Wolfshead

10-05-2002, 10:44 PM

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since
she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key
under the mat. Fix the dish_washer, leave the bill on the counter, and
I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog;
he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY
circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he
discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as
she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go
about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

legoman

10-07-2002, 03:51 PM

apparently some scientists have claimed this to be the funiest joke of all time, please note, I may not get it as funny as it was read to them:

These two men went hunting in a field, after some deer who had been seen in the area, they had some shot guns with them and they're walking along under some trees and one of them just drops dead, I guess it was his time or whatever, but basically this other guy panics and he's totally scared cos he doesn't know what to do, he's stuck in a forest with a dead guy. Then suddenly he remembers that the guy had a mobile phone so he goes up to him, you know trying to look away and stuff, and gets this phone out of his pocket. He rings up the emergency services 999/911 whatever applies to you. OK and he explains the situation to the guy on the other end of the line '... yeah and he just collapsed there under the tree.' The guy on the other end is sympathetic but has to make sure what hes dealing with so he asks 'can make you sure he's dead?', the hunter says hang on a sec, and puts the phone down. The emergency guy then hears a sort of ruffling and then two gun shots *bang bang*. 'Yeah he's dead' comes the reply.

hehe.

Wolfshead

10-07-2002, 11:11 PM

Yeah, one of my mates was telling me about that, it was in the Daily Record or some other sleazy tabloid. I wouldn't have thought it was the funniest of all time though.

------------------

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I
went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize
that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside." "I had
to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I
got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store,
I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of
people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all
the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued,
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was
still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
rectal thermometer. . . . "

"and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell
her."

Anamatar IV

10-07-2002, 11:16 PM

i have so many great jokes but too dirty for this forum.

Wolfshead

10-07-2002, 11:21 PM

Yeah, I know loads of them too. Unfortunately, we can't post them! Just gotta survive on regular, clean jokes then. But you've gotta push the rules to the limit :cool:

Anamatar IV

10-07-2002, 11:28 PM

heres one.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I
told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just
as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible
conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then farted."

Dragonblade

10-08-2002, 05:37 AM

LMFAO!! That was hilarious Anamatar!!!

Here's one.

A father was helping a cow give birth to her calf. Once it was delivered the father turned around and saw his little boy standing at the mouth of the barn, jaw dropped, eyes wide. So the father says to himself 'Oh great, now I am going to have to explain this.' The father stands up and asks his son, 'Is there anything you would like to ask?"
"Just one," The boy says, "How fast was that calf going when it hit the cow?"

Legolam

10-08-2002, 12:25 PM

Just a footnote to Legoman's "funniest joke of all time" post - the first time I was told that I got told they were Texan hunters ...

Also, the same study found that Germans are the funniest people in the world (as in they laughed the most) and that Americans like to laugh at other people.

Dragonblade

10-08-2002, 05:42 PM

That explains why Kellivara and Elfprincess are always laughing at me, lol.

Here's another, I mean no offence to anyone blond, I'm a blond too and I think this joke is bloody hilarious.

Three women escaped from jail; two brunettes and a blond. The police are chasing after them. The three women find a farm and run into the barn where they find three potato sacks, so they climb into them. The police find the barn and go in and find the three potato sacks. One police officer kicks the first sack, which contains one of the brunettes.
"Woof!"
So the officer says, "It's just a dog." So he goes over and kicks the next potato sack, which contains the other brunette.
"Meow!"
The officer says, "It's just a harmless cat." He kicks the last potato sack, which contains the blond.
*whispering voice* "poootaaaatooooooos"

Wolfshead

10-09-2002, 09:45 PM

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at
a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde
woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've
heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical
attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community,
of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women
at large...all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde pipes
up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little guy on your
knee!"

Goldberry344

10-10-2002, 04:04 AM

a horse walked into a bar and the bartender said "hey, why the long face?"

haha, funny.

Wolfshead

10-12-2002, 07:31 PM

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard.
He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.

The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions,"
he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on
the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit
it real good and hard."

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith....

Wolfshead

10-12-2002, 07:33 PM

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like
this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with
my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was
my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'"

Legolas_lover12

10-13-2002, 12:54 AM

hahahahahahahahahaha. that is funny!!!!!!!!!!!!:D this looks like yours *gasp* *snort* :D

Wolfshead

10-14-2002, 11:25 AM

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a
vain attempt to do the same thing."

Legolam

10-14-2002, 12:49 PM

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"

Anamatar IV

10-14-2002, 03:48 PM

so many golf jokes!

Wolfshead

10-14-2002, 04:28 PM

In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father,"
he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."

"But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."

"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."

"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question."

"What is it?"

"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over...?"

Wolfshead

10-16-2002, 11:49 AM

You name your children Eudora, Hyperlink and dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and
your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for
the free Internet access.

You laugh at people with 28.8-baud modems.

You start using smileys in your snail mail.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You can't call your mother because she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because
they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at
http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

After reading this joke, you immediately forward it to a thousand of
your closest friends.

Dragonblade

10-16-2002, 03:15 PM

Here's another one...Just a little warning though, just a little one.

A man was driving over a bridge, going faster than the speeding limit and just at the end of the bridge sat a police officer with a radar gun.
The cop pulls the man over and asks him why he was speeding.
The man replies that he is late for work, so the officer asks him what he does.
"I'm a rectum stretcher." The man answers.
"How do you do that?" The officer asks.
"Well first I start with one finger, then I work up until I have both my hands in and I stretch it until it's 6ft." The man answered.
"What the hell do you do with a 6ft asshole?"
"You put him at the end of a bridge and give him a radar gun."

Wolfshead

10-17-2002, 03:07 PM

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial
straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the
lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my
house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my
house,and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask
you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket

Legolam

10-23-2002, 02:48 PM

No offense to Texans, I love y'all really! :D

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Texas Style".
The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Dallas alive, wins

JanitorofAngmar

10-23-2002, 04:21 PM

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle

of nowhere, the

following people are suddenly stranded by, as you

might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands

in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian

woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily

together in a manage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating

visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman

is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the

endless ocean, and another

long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started

swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting

instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a

restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order

to supply employees for

their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide

because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her

body; the true nature

of feminism; how she can do everything they can do;

the necessity of

fulfillment; the equal division of household chores;

how sand and palm trees

make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected

her opinion and treated

her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her

mother is improving

and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't

raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North

and South and set up a

distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the

picture because it gets

sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But

they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having

any fun.

(this one's fer Wonks;)
The two English men are waiting for someone to

introduce them to the

English woman.

Wolfshead

10-28-2002, 09:13 AM

Now that I'm back from holiday I can put in some more jokes!

----------------------

A man requested a female blonde painter to paint him in the nude.
"No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don"t do that sort of
thing.

"I"ll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I"ll give five times as much as you normally get."

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my
socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."

Wolfshead

10-29-2002, 05:49 PM

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying
the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring
the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the
woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then
dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall-
bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the
casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

Wolfshead

10-31-2002, 08:44 AM

This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
"What the heck are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"

Wolfshead

10-31-2002, 10:03 PM

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one
of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He
asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling
and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up
a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy
said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked
and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it
was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on-
this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These
aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his
face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted
to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She
mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said,
"Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them
in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month.

Wolfshead

11-05-2002, 11:23 PM

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel. The new bride is
concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says "Hmm... Good point. I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug...
"AHA!" he shouts! Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc
shaped plate, with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife,
unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was
your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate
Hotel?" Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking
me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of
the chandelier falling on them!"

Wolfshead

11-07-2002, 10:11 PM

The best beer drinking story ever? Quite probably not, but that's what the joke says...

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport,comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police
patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the
evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that
he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few
minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to
find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as
a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he
started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry
night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes
as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the
car park and started to drive slowly down ! the road. The police officer,
having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car,
put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried
out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated
no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded,
the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police
station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it,"
said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

-------------------

And another because I'm in a good mood :D

-------------------

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant
three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!"
says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to
be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's
gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Wolfshead

11-08-2002, 07:10 PM

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean
that 1 enjoys it?

------------------

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available,
an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester
hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the
hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the
parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911
number and get an ambulance?"

The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

------------------

If anyone else has some jokes, feel free to post them, I won't kill you or anything!

Legolam

11-10-2002, 12:19 PM

Ah, but you're so amusing we thought we'd just let you natter on... ;)

Here's a lame one:
What should you do if you meet a hard of hearing, jaundiced, yet laid-back male cellist?
Bellow "Hello, yellow, mellow cello fellow".

Wolfshead

11-10-2002, 12:39 PM

Yes, you're right, a lame one :p Yes, I know I'm amusing, but I thought it'd be nice to know someone was actually reading them :rolleyes:

Legolam

11-10-2002, 03:36 PM

Of course I read them! I sit here in the Computer lab at Uni and giggle inanely at them whilst people sit and stare at me :( . By the way, where do you find all of these jokes? Either you spend alot of time searching on the Internet (and are therefore very sad ;) ) or you're just a very funny guy :D

Wolfshead

11-10-2002, 03:57 PM

Well, I am a very funny guy anyway ;) But I'll admit to just copying the jokes from a joke mailing list I'm on for the benefit of Tolkien lovers everywhere :D

Wolfshead

11-11-2002, 08:19 PM

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow takes up painting and wants to wear an earring.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.

Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at
Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has
a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position
chanting "MOO" backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started
feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll
wear something sexy this time.

Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in
the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

Frodorocks

11-15-2002, 06:34 PM

A man walks into a bar. Ow:)

Wolfshead

11-16-2002, 04:29 PM

Frodorocks, are you sure that 'un ain't somewhere in the first 6 pages? :D I'm sure I've used it somewhere around recently!

Frodorocks

11-18-2002, 09:17 PM

I'll go look.:D Ok I'm back now. Did ya miss me?
:D Ok all right, you did say that one. Iwas reading all of the jokes backwards and haddn't gotten to that one yet.:)

Wolfshead

11-20-2002, 10:58 PM

Miss you? No, not really :p

--------------

A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality
test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through
the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started
through the test.

"How does this glass of water look to you?"
Person 1: It is half empty.
Student writes 'pessimist' in his report.

Person 2 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 2: It is half full.
Student writes 'optimist' in his report.

Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.

The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.

"Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the
engineers! They have no personality."

Wolfshead

11-21-2002, 08:46 AM

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes
and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

-------------------

FUN STUFF TO DO IN COURT:

1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the
judge starts talking.

2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch
a few at the defendant when the judge isn't
looking.

3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the
evidence, if any blood is present.

4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an
accomplice, duck your head and quiver.

5. Stand up and yell, "OBJECTION!" to everything
the judge says. EVERYTHING.

6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge
starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under
your table.

7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in
any way, stare off into space and blow spit
bubbles.

8. Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly.

9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips
and motion that you'll "call him."

10. Actually call him.

11. Bring a kazoo.

12. Act like you're doing something important,
and ask them to "keep it down."

13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel
over backwards and act like you've been shot.

14. Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full.

15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on
the trial, then blow a referee's whistle as loud
as you can.
Point to the person next to you and tell him to
"stop it!"

16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet.

Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.

17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the
death penalty.
When he accuses you of contempt of the court,
look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he
answers, object.

18. Dress up like Santa Claus

19. Drink all of your lawyer's water, then ask
for more.
Then ask to go to the bathroom.

20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word
"the."

21. Change your plea every five minutes.

22. If you're the judge, call the defendant the
plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a
juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the
lawyers "Barney."

23. Gurgle into the microphone.

24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you
have, then take a poll of others in the audience
if they too have a nasty wedgie.

25. If in traffic court, when asked to stand,
walk over to the judge and issue him a parking
ticket on his desk.

Wolfshead

11-23-2002, 07:11 PM

It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble"
about the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall
Street's gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295
in 1994 were fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen
20 percent declines from a year ago.

Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable prices.

-----------------

TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION
--------------------------------------------

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning
are "All right, listen up you heathens..."

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a
Tank Top.

4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can't they
just leave me alone?!"

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out
to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

Legolam

11-25-2002, 03:18 PM

The CIA needs to hire a new agent and lines up three applicants for interviews.

The first applicant gets great marks on the interview and then says:" Your wife is in the other room. To get this job you'll have to take this gun, go in there and shoot her". The applicant says:"You're crazy. We just got married and I love the woman" and stormed out.

The second applicant also has a great interview and to the request about shooting his wife says: "You're nuts. We've been married 15 years, have three lovely children and I love the woman" and stormed out.

The third applicant also has a great interview and when asked to shoot his wife, pauses a bit, picks up the gun, goes into the room and closes the door. After a few seconds gunshots were heard and then nothing. And then the sound of furniture and lamps being tossed around. About a minute later, he walks out looking dishevelled. The agent asked him what the hell went on in there and the applicant answered:" It turns out the gun was loaded with blanks so I had to beat her to death with a chair!"

Wolfshead

11-25-2002, 08:28 PM

Pah, heard it before, haven't you got anything original? :rolleyes: :D

As for me, I don't... just now.

Legolam

11-26-2002, 05:34 PM

Well fine then! I'll have to try harder ....

The Five Secrets to a Good Relationship

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed

5. It is extremely important that these four men never meet.

Wolfshead

11-26-2002, 06:09 PM

I'm beginning to think I've heard all the worlds funny jokes... I've even heard that one you just put in, Legolam, to which, funnily enough, I'm not laughing at :rolleyes:

Even my supply is just churning out awful ones now :(

A patient tells his psychiatrist, "Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.". The shrink replies, "Come now, pull yourself together."

--------------

New Medicines Now Available
St . Mom's Wort

Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EmptyNestrogen

Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy
by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo

Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence and improves flirting.

Dumerol

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor

Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Anti-boy-otics

When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin

Potent antiboyotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want
to be a better person .......can we get naked now?"

Buyagra

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-All

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim
may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD
or a book by Dr. Laura.

JackAsspirin

Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin

Bedroom aerosol spray for men.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet

When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend,
saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

<<< N O T I C E >>>

Always consult your family physician before taking new medication

Frodorocks

11-27-2002, 09:58 PM

Three blondes were walking down a beach and they found a bottle. A genie came out of the bottle and said, "You each may have 1 wish." The first blonde said, " I don't like to be a blonde, I want to be 50% smarter." The genie turned her into a red head. The second blonde said, "I don't like being a blonde, I want to be 100% smarter." The genie turned her into a brunette. The third blonde said, "I like being a blonde, I want to be 100% dumber." The genie turned her into a man.
:D :D :D :p :p

legoman

11-28-2002, 05:50 PM

permission to rip that joke apart... permission granted:

If blondes are as you seem to claim dumb, therefore theorectically they have no intelligance, you know just as a basic model.
OK now 50% away from blonde is what - brown?
and 100%away from blonde would be what - black?
Therefore:

50% of 0 = 0 - from blonde to brown
100% of 0 = 0 - from blonde to black
100% less than 0 = 0 - from blonde to male.

so therefor as intelligence goes...
blonde women = 0
brown women = 0
black women = 0
men = 0

so then we're all just plain stupid... (except for ginger women!)

Wolfshead

11-28-2002, 06:12 PM

Legoman, perhaps we should just hit them with loads of blonde jokes? :D

---------------

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving
gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She
shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what
it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher
held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess
what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher
held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She
touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is
it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the
leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

--------------------

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap
on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am mute.
I am not able to speak. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that
"No, he may not play through, and that his handicap did not give
him such a right." He whacked the ball onto the green and left
to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in
the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to
a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the mute sternly
looking at him, holding up 4 fingers.

legoman

11-29-2002, 04:05 PM

I like the way the teacher didn't shake the box with the puppy in, would that have made it animal cruelty??

hmm, blond jokes, I dunno, thats a bit prejudice, still I did read a good one today, I hope this hasn't been posted already, I'm sure I havent read all of this thread:

A blonde walked into an electronics store and told the salesman,
"I want that T.V." and she points to the display.

He looks at her and tells her, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to
sell that to blondes." So the blonde, all ticked off, walks out
of the store.

An hour later, she walks back into the same store with a black
wig on. She walks up to the salesman and says, "I want to buy
that T.V." and she points to the display.

He looks at her and said, "I'm sorry, but I already told you we
can't sell that to blondes." So she walks out of the store mad
again without a T.V.

A few weeks later she gets a makeover, new hair color and
everything, and she walks back into that electronics store. She
walks up to the salesman and says, "I want to buy that T.V." and
points to the display.

The salesman shakes his head and tells her, "I told you twice
already, I can't sell that to blondes."

The blonde looks at him and says, "How do you know that I'm a
blonde?"

He looks at her and states, "Because, that's a microwave."

Wolfshead

11-30-2002, 11:32 AM

There was a very funny one I came across today, but unfortunately, the Mods would lynch me if I posted it, so I won't. It's irritating how the best jokes aren't suitable for kids...

-----------------

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's
room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she
had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week,
he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50-
cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom; keep up the good work!"

-----------------

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

-------------------

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

----------------

Haha, hitting back with sexist jokes, mwuhahaha ;)

Wolfshead

11-30-2002, 11:57 AM

1. The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

2. In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.

3. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

4. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.

5. Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

6. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

7. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

8. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

9. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late."

10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look beautiful.

Frodorocks

11-30-2002, 04:07 PM

I don't really think that blondes are dumb, but if I did, brunettes are smarter in my joke because I am a brunette and I am the smartest of all!:D :D

Dragonblade

12-02-2002, 04:21 AM

ANSWERING MACHINE AT THE MENTAL HOSPITAL
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until
a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden
name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy
to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You
won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.

Dragonblade

12-02-2002, 04:29 AM

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The very next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

---------------
I know some other funny jokes, but if they have to be suitable for children, I think the mods might get a little peeved, and I don't need more warning points.

Wolfshead

12-02-2002, 04:01 PM

Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation, "How'd
you die?" the first blonde asked the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to
death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually,
it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as
if you're sleeping.".

How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart
attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating
on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the
bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no
one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was
hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as
I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked
in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Wolfshead

12-07-2002, 01:52 PM

Here's a nice long edition now, seeing as I haven't posted any for a while, I've built up quite a large back-catalogue :cool:

--------------

Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some
time off," said one.

"How are you going to do that?"

"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what
he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."

"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the
first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second
man followed him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.

"I can't work in the dark," he said.

----------------

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on "Global Organized Crime." The author
who introduced the story swears it's true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego
that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours
of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had
worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation
called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick
dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation
took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping
all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front
doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back
to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember
to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear?
We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

CLICK.

------------------

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell
out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled
him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had
seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and
recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still
going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

-----------------

An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner.
Before eating, his wife speaks up. "Can I ask you a question, Max?"
"Sure Minnie," Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.

"Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?"

"Yes, indeed!" Max replied. "For the twenty years I was a bachelor!"

-----------------

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes
up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll hang out
with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the
frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll be your
girlfriend for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his
pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll be your
girlfriend for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised lots of
fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won't even kiss
a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for girls.... But a
talking frog is pretty neat."

----------------------

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says
here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Wolfshead

12-07-2002, 01:53 PM

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,
in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy
to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand
has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue
(something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am
certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the
metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter
of time.

Wolfshead

12-07-2002, 01:56 PM

And just a side note, we've hit 100 replies and 600 views :D

Yay for the Jokes thread! ;)

Wolfshead

12-09-2002, 11:43 PM

Benny and Mark were at the bar chatting about how much their wives thought of
them. Mark said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any
work around the house. It's great!"
Not to be out done, Benny said, "That's nothing. My wife simply worships me..."

Confused Mark asked, "She worships you? C'mon, what makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

-------------------

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts
--------------------------------------------
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER
newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one
hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and
plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends
and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling
them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it
is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Froggum

12-10-2002, 08:35 PM

Forgive me if this joke is a bit too gross for the forum...
-------------------------

So this guy goes to the doctor to get some Viagra. THe doctor writes up the perscription, but he tells the patient, "Avoid taking laxatives while you're on Viarga." Naturally the guy wondered why, so he asked the doctor and the doctor said, "Because you won't know whether you're coming or going."
------------------------
Please don't get mad at me! I thought it was funny!

Wolfshead

12-10-2002, 11:15 PM

Yeah, funny, dunno what the Mods'll think though...

This is about Bill Gates (or as my computing teacher would call him, Uncle Bill) new child.

----------------

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft
shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces
when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6: 11pm.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third
party support.

2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.

3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't
help.

4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which
preceded them.

5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow
and grow and grow with each passing year.

6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could
have produced one.

7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.

8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement
and the actual release.

9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.

10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.

Wolfshead

12-16-2002, 08:31 PM

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to
help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon
they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

Frodorocks

12-16-2002, 09:33 PM

Of course we don't:D

Wolfshead

12-17-2002, 07:52 PM

It's hard to be a Supermodel as evidenced by the following actual
quotes from some of today's hardest-working and best-known supermodels.

We've come a long way from Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain...

ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit
and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman
hates herself from behind."-- Cindy Crawford

ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I
learned I am not my cleavage." -- Carole Mallory

ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic
surgery." -- Beverly Johnson

ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have
to face that."-- Christie Brinkley

ON PSYCHOLOGY "I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology
of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It
has to do with low self-worth." -- Tatjana Patitz

ON ARRIVING "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and
be more particular about the acting roles I take." -- Kathy Ireland,
star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island' >

ON CAREER CHOICES
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova

ON PRIORITIES "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-- Kim Alexis

ON GEOPOLITICS "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other
a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear
disarmament."-- Jerry Hall

ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks

ON DEATH "Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes
I can't help it."-- Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre.
I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." -- Tyra Banks

ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began
to excel in volleyball and modeling." -- Gabrielle Reece

ON EPIPHANY "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
--Christie Brinkley

ON HEREDITY "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I
said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" -- Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right clothing to
exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not
inspiring for your workout."-- Cheryl Tiegs

ON INTRODUCTIONS "I think most people are curious about what it
would be like to be able to meet yourself -- it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington

ON COURTSHIP "The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic
mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep
it far from me when women are nearby." -- Fabio

ON PARADOX "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz

ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER "I've looked in the mirror every
day for 20 years. It's the same face."-- Claudia Schiffer

ON TRAGEDY "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles
-- but I had on thick tights underneath." -- Naomi Campbell

ON INSTINCT "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out
and eat some crackers."-- Carol Alt

ON THE CASTE SYSTEM "We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We
don't think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people."
-- Christie Brinkley

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon
and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from
some of those with sequins all over them." -- Cindy Crawford

ON ECONOMICS "I don't wake up for less than $10, 000 a day."
-- Linda Evangelista

ON ZEN "When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or
it doesn't work."-- Paulina Porizkova

ON LOGIC "I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be
photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington

ON BODY PARTS "I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes
me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that
makes me nervous." -- Tyra Banks

ON BODY LANGUAGE "You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact
that I've gained weight."-- Christy Turlington

ON DEPRIVATION "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work
out all the time."-- Linda Evangelista

ON MOTIVATION "It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would
know that I had to, and I would." -- Kate Moss

ON VERSATILITY "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't
have to speak."-- Linda Evangelista

ON THE GRIEF PROCESS "When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped
it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it
to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss." -- Veronica Webb

ON VENGEANCE "Girls are always getting mad at each other and they
tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
-- Tasha

ON BATTING .667 "I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck
as an actress."-- Cameron Diaz

Aerin

12-18-2002, 07:15 AM

A man walks into a toystore to buy a present for his daughter for her birthday. He goes to the Barbie aisle, and looks at the different prices.

Princess Barbie: $13.95

Vacation Barbie: $13.95

Party Barbie: $13.95

Divorce Barbie: $499.95

Startled, the man asks a clerk why Divorce Barbie is so much more expensive than the others.

"Well," the clerk replies, "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's trailer, Ken's motorcycle...."

Wolfshead

12-18-2002, 05:59 PM

50 degrees Fahrenheit (10 C): Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C): Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.

32 Fahrenheit (0 C): American water freezes.
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C): New York City landlords finally turn on the
heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C): Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C): Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460 Fahrenheit (-273 C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C): Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Wolfshead

12-23-2002, 11:14 PM

Once upon a time there was a king in Lapland called Rudolph. He
had bright ginger hair so his people called him Rudolph the Red.

Now Rudolph the Red was bad-tempered and argued a lot. He gave his
poor wife, Gertrude the Green, a terrible time. No matter what she
said he had to argue.

One winter's day Gertrude the Green looked out of the palace window
and said, 'Oh dear, it's snowing again. You'll have to clear the
footpath before mother comes to tea.'

'Humph!' Rudolph the Red grunted. He didn't fancy shifting snow
and he didn't want Gertrude the Green's mother coming to tea.

'That's not snow. It's rain!' he argued.
'But it's white and fluffy and drifting,' Gertrude the Green tried
to tell him.
Rudolph the Red hid behind his newspaper and snapped, 'It's rain!'
Gertrude the Green became quite angry. 'Gertrude the Green knows
snow, darling!'
'Yes,' retorted her husband. 'And Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'

'What a great title for a song!' Gertrude the Green exclaimed.

Wolfshead

12-23-2002, 11:16 PM

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got
sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the
regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being
behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming
to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer
he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped
the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the
sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all
the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of
coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit
the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in
his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds
of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the
broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door .
he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to
put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of
the Christmas tree...

Gary Gamgee

12-25-2002, 06:13 PM

Did anyone read about that midget psychic tarot reader who ran away from the circus. Headlines where...

SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE

Wolfshead

12-26-2002, 12:20 AM

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was
their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was
too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the
volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an
eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father
loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.
The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found
him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these
instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll
constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken."
answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for
joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in
here somewhere!"

Frodorocks

12-27-2002, 02:23 AM

This isn't really a joke, but I thought it was funny. It comes from a real "Worst Case Scenario" game card.
How To React When Caught In A Crowd.
A. Tense your arms and fold them over your stomache as if you are carrying something. Allow yourself to be carried by the crowd.
B. Drop to the floor, sheild your face and cover the back of your neck with your hands.
C. Keep your knees locked and your arms extended over your head. Be flexible, and go with the flow as much as possible.
Can you imagine some person in a mall the day after Thanksgiving looking around, screaming, and diving to the floor?:D I'd step on him. By the way, the correct answer is A.

Aerin

12-30-2002, 07:05 AM

The Norse god of thunder, Thor, rode into a town. Getting off his horse, he yelled out, "I am Thor!"
His horse turned to look at him, and said, "That's because you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

Wolfshead

01-01-2003, 09:41 AM

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar,
four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking
soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice,
nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on
the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the
mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups
of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the
lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or
something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the
whisky again and go to bed.

Frodorocks

03-03-2003, 09:35 PM

There was this girl that was a prostitute who lived with her grandmother. The girl really didn't want the proper old lady to know about her occupation.
One day there was a police raid on the brothel and the police told all of the prostitutes to line up in a straight line on the side of the road. Suddenly, the girl's grandmother mother walked around the corner. The girl tried to hide, but it was too late, the old lady saw her and walked over.
"What are you doing?" she asked "We're umm, ummm, waiting to get oranges." the girl replied. "Oh, Okay, I'll wait with you." the old lady decided.
When a young policeman saw the old lady he was shocked. "But you're so old, how do you do it?" he asked
"Oh, it's easy sonny! I just take out my dentures and suck 'em dry."

Wolfshead

03-03-2003, 11:33 PM

Oh, god that's awful :eek: No, please, not more like that, it's too much to think about *shudders*

Well, seeing as Rockie has ressurected this thread from the ashes, I may as well start posting again :D

------------------------------

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

lossenandunewen

03-04-2003, 02:28 AM

I'm definately getting warning points for this one lol

This guy was at the hospital, his wife had just had a baby.. He rushed in and said "Nurse! Nurse! My wife just had a baby! can I see it?" And the nurse said "Sure! Follow me!" so she led him up to the glass window where you see all the babies in their baskets, she walks in a points to one. "Aww" The guy thinks, but then the nurse picks it up and starts slamming it against the wall and the ground.. The father starts freaking out and he runs into the room.. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!??!" he yelled

"APRIL FOOLS! It was already dead."

Frodorocks

03-04-2003, 07:06 PM

For some reason whenever I tell guys that joke, they all react the same way.:rolleyes: Whenever I tell girls the same joke, it goes to the top of their best jokes list.:D
A guy walked into a bar carrying a little 12 inch midget. He was a little drunk, so when he told people that the midget was a pianist, nobody believed him. So the guy set the midget down at the piano and the midget started to play. Some guy walked up to the guy with the midget and was like, "Hey, he's pretty good, where did you find him?" "In the dumpster in the alley out back is a red bottle, rub the bottle and a genie will come out. He'll give you one wish." The man replied. So the other guy went out into the alley, jumped into the dumpster, and found the bottle. Sure enough, a genie came out. "I will give you one wish, for whatever you want." The genie announced. The man thought, and finally, he made up his mind. "I want a million bucks!" he declared with a slur in his voice. ( he too was a little drunk) Suddenly, a huge flock of ducks flew over, scattering their droppings all over him. This really ticked the guy off. He ran into the bar, grabbed the guy with the pianist buy the collar, and demanded to know why the genie had given him a million ducks instead of a million bucks. "Hey, you don't think I asked for a 12 inch pianist, do you?"

Wolfshead

03-05-2003, 12:11 AM

This one's great!

-----------------------------

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

spirit

03-06-2003, 09:51 AM

heee hee hee
these r good

Wolfshead

03-06-2003, 06:49 PM

Ha, some people are so slow! I was told this one by one of my teachers about 3 years ago :)

-----------------------------

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In
some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

Wolfshead

03-16-2003, 11:35 AM

We seem to have died again. Oh well, revitalisation number 2...

----------------------

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada,
both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer, when all of a
sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected,
neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was shaken.
"Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"
"That was a moose", the Canadian replied.
"What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good Lord, I'd hate to see
yer rats!"

Wolfshead

05-06-2003, 10:49 PM

*Ressurects thread for the third time...* But I had to post this one :D

--------------------------->>>>

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared
four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct
the first day's mistake.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives
with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday.
It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707
and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in
the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:
"For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap.
Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.
I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.
I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my
housekeeper but she quit!

Zale

05-06-2003, 11:48 PM

REMOVED

Wolfshead

05-24-2003, 01:11 AM

Not in reference to any friend of mine - the joke is pasted from elsewhere...

-------------

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud
case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the
hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check
and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After
a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that
she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you
do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of
fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in
excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But
you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

Gandalf_White

05-24-2003, 05:37 AM

Here's a couple of cute ones:

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. :D

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the hall. Music will follow. :D

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.:D

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.:D

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.:D

Wolfshead

05-24-2003, 12:57 PM

The Winter Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about
their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did
over the break.

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said.
"Can you tell the class how you spell 'Punxsutawney'?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of
it, we went to Ohio."

BlackCaptain

05-24-2003, 09:16 PM

A new Indian cheiftan is elected as the head of his tribe in his reserve in the year 1997. His father just died, and he was, old as he was, possibly the greatest leader of all time.

So, it just happened, that all of the lesser indians came to this new leader, and asked: "Oh great leader, will this winter be especialy cold? Or will it just be another winter"

Now, trying to sound super kingly and all, he says "It will be a very cold winter. Go gather as much firewood as you can"

So they went, and the next morning, the chieftan wanted to double check his answer, so he called the National Weather Service. They said it would be a very very cold winter.

Later that day, the Indians came back to the leader, and asked if the new day has brought any new foresight. Now the chief, feeling confident, said it would be a very very cold winter, and that the other indians should gather as much firewood as possibly possible, so they went and did that.

Feeling curious as to how the big bad people at the NWS knew it would be a very cold winter, he called them again and asked: "What kind of instruments do you use? Ther