Tolkien Jokes

[Elenciryaquen]

From: http://www.stygianlabyrinth.net/ghastlyhumour/106/lordoftherings/

Why was Lord of the Rings made into a movie?
The fans were Baggins for it.

What did the guy say when he bumped into the wizard?
Saruman, I didn’t see you there.

What do you call a wizard who knows how to hit a little white ball with a club?
Cangolf.

One day a spell was cast on Aragorn’s wife that created a mirror image of her. This mirror image was a spy for Sauron and the Fellowship had to find her and stop her. When Frodo came upon her, he whispered to Sam, "Is that Arwen or Their-wen?"

One night two trolls were sitting by a fire dining on a fresh kill. As they pulled the meat out of the fire, one of the bones barely had any meat on it at all. One of the trolls plucked the bone out and started picking his teeth with it. The other Troll shook his head and said, "Stop that, it’s a bad hobbit."

Two orcs walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

What did the hobbit say when he couldn’t find his walking stick?
Hey! Where’s my walking stick?!

What is the difference between Sauron and The Easter Bunny?
Nobody knows, no one has seen either one.

What did Frodo say when he saw the trees dancing?
"That’s ENT-tertainment!"

What did Frodo say when he saw the elves dancing?
"It must be Christmas time."

What did Frodo say when he saw the dwarves dancing?
"Why the hell is everyone dancing!"

What’s the difference between Arwen and Morwen?
No, seriously, I’m asking.

What happened when Sam pulled Gandalf’s finger for a second time?
Gandalf released Morwen.




ROFL

[Gary Gamgee]

Originally posted by Elenciryaquen

What did the hobbit say when he couldn’t find his walking stick?
Hey! Where’s my walking stick?! [/B]

:p lol

give me some time i'll try and think of some

GG

ps that's nearlly my signature;)

[Gary Gamgee]

Why do Balrogs paint their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard.:rolleyes:

[bunnywhippit]

LMAO Elenciryaquen! Those were hilarious. I could have woken up the whole house reading those, luckily i can control myself somewhat.

I think this is my favourite:
What did the guy say when he bumped into the wizard?
Saruman, I didn’t see you there.

Or the "Arwen or Their-wen?" one. Hee hee hee.

[Hirila]

What did Shadowfax say when he found Pippin lying his way:
"Hop it"


this one is a bit macaber:

What did Aragorn say when Gandalf died in Moria?
"Damn gulf"

[Gary Gamgee]

Two Trolls sat on a wall one is eating a banana the other one says

'Can I have a bite of your pear'

the other one

'It's not an apple it's a grape'

[Diabless]

:p :)

[tookish-girl]

I don't get the one about the walking stick! Sorry, ignoramus!

Liked the one about Sauron and the Easter bunny.
Here's one, heard of "Make like a tree and leave?" Well, I'm going to make like Frodo, and hobbit!

[pixieamalthea]

:D
eeeee hee heee........those are great!

[Anira the Elf]

* roles w/ somewhat laughter at the semi good jokes :D

i'll have to come back to this delightful place when i think of a good joke :D ...( starts to think before she types for once).....

[Grond]

Q. HOw do you kill a purple wizard?
A. With a purple wizard gun.

Q. How do you kill a white wizard?
A. With a white wizard gun.
AA. NO!!! You hold his nose til he turns purple and shoot him with the Purple wizard gun.:)

[bunnywhippit]

Hahahahahaha! I liked that.

Tookish - make like a tree and leave & make like Frodo etc.. lol! I've never heard that before. Soooo funny.

:D

[tookish-girl]

Of course you haven't I made it up!

Here's another one:

Rosie Cotton arrives home at Bag End one day and sees Sam sitting smoking his pipe with little baby Elanor on his knee. She is naturally quite annoyed and says "Sam, must you keep smoking in front of the baby". Sam replies "Oh, I'm sorry, my dear, but I really can't break the hobbit of a lifetime."

I thought of that one too. Which is why it's rubbish!

[bunnywhippit]

Oh do forgive me!

No way, that joke is not rubbish, it had me laughing!

[tookish-girl]

There's only so many puns on the word hobbit! And I'm trying to do them all! Do you like my new signature?

[Gary Gamgee]

A Hobbit goes into a cake shop

"Can i have a chocolate cake please"

"certainly sir would you like a large one or a small one?"

to which he replies..

"look don't mess me about my hole is on fire!"

[bunnywhippit]

Omg, everyone's posting so quickly here tonight.. and my sides hurt from laughing! Right, put together as many hobbit puns as you dare tookish, i want to see them all!

Great new sig, btw! Hilarious!

[pixieamalthea]

:p
i like your signature!

[pixieamalthea]

(my last message was for Tookish)

[bunnywhippit]

*pouts* What about mine?

I think i speak for everyone here when i say, thanks a lot. :rolleyes:

Just teasing you pixie :p :D

[pixieamalthea]

oh, come on:rolleyes:

silly bunny..

[bunnywhippit]

Oh you cheeky monkey. ;)

Oh dear, what's this thread about again? LOTR jokes?

A Hobbit, an Elf and an Orc walk into a bar...
(lacking an ending. :()

[pixieamalthea]

:p

[tookish-girl]

Why thankyou for the signature apreciation, guys!:D
Me and my mates were just making up really stupid Lord of the Rings chat-up lines, can't mention the rest of them, a little too rude I feel. ;)

[Kit Baggins]

GGG, I don't get your joke about the hobbit going into a cake shop :confused: ...

~Kit :p

[DGoeij]

I do not get it either, but maybe its an English play on words which I do not see???:confused:

[Kit Baggins]

Could be, but I'm English and I don't get it.

~Kit :confused:

[tookish-girl]

The cake shop thing is a joke about the fact that Hobbits care about their food so much that they'll get a quick snack even when their holes on fire!

[Kit Baggins]

Ohhhhhhh. I get it now :) .

~Kit :p

[Gary Gamgee]

an Orc to another Orc

'ask me if my Dad was a Dwarf'

the other Orc

'ok....was your dad a Dwarf?'

'no'

GGG

ps tookey your sig is really good:p :D

[DGoeij]

That one fits nicely into a category GGG ;) :

'Frodo and Samwise are sitting on the edge of Mount Doom'

Frodo:'Shall I push you off?'

Sam: 'No'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

If you find these ones hilarious you're already having a great time and their was a stimulating substance involved.:p

[legoman]

hhmmm, although the more recent jokes ar funny they have no punchline, come on guys surely we we can do better that this.
(and no airplane jokes about shirley shall follow this thread)

[Gary Gamgee]

Originally posted by DGoeij
That one fits nicely into a category GGG ;) :

'Frodo and Samwise are sitting on the edge of Mount Doom'

Frodo:'Shall I push you off?'

Sam: 'No'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

If you find these ones hilarious you're already having a great time and their was a stimulating substance involved.:p

:D V.funny like it like it more more

legoman i think that's the point of these jokes, not to have a punchline

;)

but also punchlines can be good just not very often

GGG

[legoman]

I'm sorry people but they're not that funny, can you imagine the monty python team doing a sketch about a dead parrot and instead of telling jokes, they just repeatedly tell one another that the parrot is dead. no punchline, losing comedy. Oh wait thats one of the funniest things ever, doh!!!:D

[DGoeij]

You're getting the point I see.;)

[Greenleaf]

legoman
Ok so they are not the best jokes in the world, you don't like them come up with your own. I personally think they are pretty funny :D

[legoman]

Come on man, out of everyone in this place you think I'm not laughing, man sarcasm just isn't the same on the computer.
Sarcasm the lowest form of wit. Man, you guys must be so high (thats illegal you know) that you don't get it, what are 6'6"?

[DGoeij]

**very sarcastic tone of voice, facial features added too**
Ooooh I had to add a ;) to my post about you getting the point didn't I? Sorry, I seem to have forgotten that.:rolleyes:


You're right. I takes some effort to get the sarcasm across in a message board.:D

[Aroghel]

Hey post any jokes that you know of that relate to anything of M.E. Here would be my first one ---

A cat can be a siamese, and a dog can be a beagle; Sauron is an idiot, and so is Smeagol! hahah. . .

[Khamul]

Dont make the evil Gollum fans angry. Then again, why not?

[Aroghel]

haha its just a jokE! ok here is another one ---

What hair product does Gandalf most often buy?

Grey hair-dye! His normal haircolor is black, but he dyes it grey to match his name!!

(i made that up in about 5 seconds)

[Khamul]

Ok.......I believe the 5 seconds thing

[Aroghel]

haha that was harsh :(

[Lillyaundra]

Good job with comming up with things on the spot!!

I think that that is a good skill to have, one that I don't have. :(

Oh well.:D

keep on being on your feet it will do you good one day, like in a Job interview. I find that employers like people that can think on their feet!! ;)

[legoman]

does it matter if the thinking is any good?

[Lillyaundra]

sometimes. I mean if you and the other person are talking about something and you say something that has nothing to do with anything, it wont do you any good. But if you come up with something GOOD then you are in a much better postioin to get the job.:D

Oh and also EYE CONTACT is very very very important!!!

[Gary Gamgee]

A but that was funyOriginally posted by Sting
Ok.......I believe the 5 seconds thing

LMAO HEEHEEHEE ****ing funny

GGG:D

nb sorry A but that was funny

[legoman]

What if their eyes are like Sauron's, that must put a downer on things.

[Gary Gamgee]

What does one eye say to another eye?

aye aye

oh that was rubbish

what about that eye though what does it eat? Optrex

here's a better one...

A Hobbit goes into a chippy and orders fish and chips

shop keeper 'would you like salt and vinegar?'

Hobbit 'no thanx got my bike outside'

GGG

[Tarien]

I continually find bad Elf-related jokes everywhere, and are glad they have yet to penetrate this line. Please keep them out!
And all other bad LoTR jokes too.

Call me old fashioned if you wish, but I feel that Tolkien's works deserve respect, but are seldom given it.

And also, how would YOU feel if someone made bad, disrespectful jokes about something you honored and cherished.

So cut it out all bad-joke-makers, and if you don't do it now, don't do it later. Cuz it's like bathroom humor; the lowest and crudest thing imaginable.

[DGoeij]

Now I sincerely hope that was sarcasm too.

[legoman]

yeah Tarien's way better at sarcasm then me, I've been out shone, I'm just gonna have to move on to the old elf jokes.

[legoman]

lol, I'm sure that last ones been mentioned before somewhere.

what about the old,

what do you call a deer with no eyes:

no eye deer.

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs:

still no eye deer.


sorry they're old and terrible.

[Gary Gamgee]

no i think your thinking of the Cake shop joke similar but different

what about the old...How do you know if a Balrog's been in your fridge?

Foot prints in the butter :p Boom boom

GGG

[tookish-girl]

Have you heard the the about the elf who got sick? Instead of going to the Houses of Healing, he went to the National Elf Service.
Ba boom!


(Sorry, Tarien! Couldn't resist, made all the terrible hobbit jokes at the beginning of this thread, seems mean to leave out the elves!)

[DGoeij]

I'm still waiting until Seymour and Pepe show up to do one of their LOTR jokes. They would seem to fit right in.:)

[legoman]

cool I'd like to seymour of pepe's elf jokes!!

[legoman]

ahh, the cake shop joke, now that takes me back.

[Legolam]

I'm all by my elf ... :(

[Grond]

Some people say that I am stingy; but, I think I am only a little bit 'elfish. :)

[pixieamalthea]

eee hee hee...I like that one, Legolam!

[legoman]

Oh my god I like Legolams sense of humour, does that make me weird??

[tookish-girl]

Some of these jokes are getting just dw-awful!

[Dûndorer]

-When wizards go to school do they have SPELLING b's?

-Do dwarfs MINE their own business?

-do elfs QUIVER when they shoot their bows?

-can you get addicted to pipe weed?

[Gary Gamgee]

Originally posted by tookish-girl
Some of these jokes are getting just dw-awful!

:D heehee

Elrond's warning: Smoking pipe weed can seriously damage your Elf

[Legolam]

GG, you're a genius!!! :D

[Sherri]

Everybody has to read this... it's so hilarious. It's a shortened version of the movie.

http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/02/Jan/lotr.html

[legoman]

Nice, I do love a good mickey-take.

[Kelkorian]

Strider walks about and sees a Hobbit. He asks: "Hey little Hobbit, what time is it?"
"I'm not a Hobbit, I'm a strawberry."

[tookish-girl]

I really don't get some of these hobbit jokes....
Love the Rivendell scene in that script:

Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell!
Merry: That was easy.
Pippin: Don't knock it.
Sam: Elves are cool!
Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble.
Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here!
Legolas: Same for me!
Elrond: Right, all of you wankers leave now.
Gandalf: But I just got here.
Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason.
Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope.
Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee!


Nice!:D

[tookish-girl]

I remember having to explain that one!
Still don't get the one about the hobbit who thinks he's a strawberry in the other thread here. Do we have hobbit fruit lycanthropy?

[Kelkorian]

Here's a classic!

Two Hobbits are jumping on a bed. One likes orange juice and also the other one is bald.

[Kelkorian]

Here's a beauty!

Two Rangers are walking in the woods. One sees an Elven brooch on the ground and alerts his companion:
"Who do you think it belongs to?" asks the one.
"Who cares?" says the other.

[legoman]

I guess thats a yes then.

[tookish-girl]

Have you heard the one about the hobbit and the extremely breakable vase?

[Kelkorian]

I think I have. Is it this one?
A Hobbit is sitting at home, eyeing an extremely breakable vase. He walks over, tips it off the shelf and it breaks.

[tookish-girl]

Well done! Have you heard the one about the hobbit in the bath with the tap that just won't stop leaking?

[Kelkorian]

Oh that's so yesterday!
Once there was a Hobbit, in a bath, with the tap leaking!

Here's a new one:
A Hobbit strolls down the street and sees Gandalf. He says "Hi Gandalf" and Gandalf says "Hi Jerome".

[Dûndorer]

A real joke..

pippin, merry, and sam walk into a bar. frodo ducks.

this one is realy real.

[Dûndorer]

frodo, sam, and pippin are in a house. they heard a noise, so they hide in 3 potato sacks. it was a good thing they hid because the noise they heard was an orc. the orc went up to the first patato sack with frodo inside the orc hits the sack, frodo says 'meow'. the orc thought it was a cat in the sack so he moves to the next one that sam is in. the orc hits it, sam says 'woof'. the orc thought it was a dog so he moved to the last patato sack and hits it, pippin says 'patato'.

[Lillyaundra]

But the orcs are stupid and thought that Pippen was a pottao.

[Gary Gamgee]

Originally posted by Kelkorian


Here's a new one:
A Hobbit strolls down the street and sees Gandalf. He says "Hi Gandalf" and Gandalf says "Hi Jerome".

:D lol like it come up with some more yes

[Gary Gamgee]

Originally posted by Legolam
GG, you're a genius!!! :D

no I'm not i'm a strawberry:D hahaha

[Dûndorer]

an elf walks into a bar and says OUCH.

[Kelkorian]

Oh, GGG, I have LOADS of those jokes. Here's a nice one:

An Orc walks towards his local pub when he hears someone shout from behind him: "Hey Aliyahu, how ya doin'?". The Orc turns around and sees his friend, Moshe.

[Kelkorian]

Hehe, good one!

A Man of Gondor walks and walks and walks and walks till he suddenly falls into a pit. He thinks: "How will I get out of here? Hmm, could use a ladder!". So he climbs out of the pit, goes home, gets a ladder, gets into the pit, places the ladder against the wall and goes out :)

[Dûndorer]

a hobbit was walking down the street and his friend said 'you forgot to comb your hair'. then the hobbit said, 'im bald'.

[Dûndorer]

hahaha, that reminds me of the one where the hobbit that drank to much ale then he went to his house and ate macaroni and pinapples.

wait a second no it doesnt. hehe

[Kelkorian]

Have you heard this one?

A Hobbit walks about and bumps into Boromir. He says: "Hi there Boromir" and Boromir says "Heya Jerome".

[Kelkorian]

A Hobbit was strolling in the Gardens of Lorien when he sees a yellow flower. He stops, stoops, and takes a whiff of the flower. He then says: "What a lovely photo album I have!"

[tookish-girl]

Hey! What happened to my joke about the hobbit and the extremely breakable vase?!

[tookish-girl]

These are getting more and more surreal!
Frodo walks into a bar, he orders a pint from the lovely Rosie Cotton and then he attention is drawn to two hobbits in the corner, this is what he hears:
"So where you from?"
"I'm from the Shire"
"So am I, let me buy you a drink."

Then he hears:
"So what do you do?"
"Oh nothing really, my dad's one of the most important guys in the area"
"Really? So's mine, let me buy you a drink!"

Next Frodo hears:
"So, were you there at Bilbo's party?"
"Yes, in fact I know that he disappeared becuase of his magic ring!"
"I knew that too!"
"Did you really? Let me get you another drink!"

Then they say:
"Right, have you ever met an elf?"
"Yes, I've been to Rivendell and Lothlorien!"
"Wow, me too, let's get another round in!"

Then one says:
"Have you ever met an orc?"
"Yes, I was kidnapped by one a few months ago"
"Were you? So was I!"
"Let's have another drink!"

This continues for several hours until Frodo finally calls over Rosie.
"Rosie, what in Middle Eart is going on over there?" He asks, pointing.
"Oh, ignore them" She replies, "It's just Merry and Pippin getting drunk again."

[Kelkorian]

LOL! I know that exact same joke only with connections between two Irish blokes called the O'Reily (EDIT: erm, O'Maly brothers. whoops) Brothers! Great joke, I must say!

[Kelkorian]

If I may, I would like to post another AMAZINGLY FUNNY JOKE:
A Hobbit whistles whilst prancing down to the Pony and says to himself out loud after looking at two people playing ileagal poker on the corner of the street: "My, what a lovely tea party"

[Kelkorian]

Pippin strolls down the road and says to a tree: "Oh my, I've got Jerome's left foot shoe on"

[legoman]

Whats green has four wheels and grows on the fields in the shire???



Grass, I lied about the wheels.

[Gary Gamgee]

:D lol legoman here's one...

What did Sauron say when he ordered the Nazgul to take up the guise as black riders and get him the ring from the shire?

'Nazgul take up the guise of black riders and get me the ring from the shire'

3G's

[Kelkorian]

Hehe, good one GGG!

What did the CoE tell Frodo when they told him to be the ring-bearer?

"Why, what lovely Strawberries you grow!"

[Dûndorer]

Q: what do you call an orc with half of a brain???

A: gifted

[Dûndorer]

The Ugly Halfling...


there were three brother halflings and one was ugly so he got a face lift. then he became an actor and played the part of frodo in the lord of the rings.

[Kelkorian]

Durin's Bane walks around in Moria when suddenly he bumps into a little Leprechaun. He says: 'Allo 'ere! 'Ow ya doin'? I'm a 'eprecauhn! I'll gran' ya tree wishes!"
Mr. Bane says: "Whoopi for you" and keeps on walking.

[Kelkorian]

Gil-Galad goes to the barber shop downtown and asks the barber: "Did you get a new leather sofa?"

[tookish-girl]

Originally posted by Dûndorer
The Ugly Halfling...


there were three brother halflings and one was ugly so he got a face lift. then he became an actor and played the part of frodo in the lord of the rings.

Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Someone is insulting Elijah.*rolls up sleeves*

Be prepared to be slain, Dûndorer! Grrrrrr!
RAaaaaaaaaa! I am cross! And rather upset actually. So there. You have been told off.

[legoman]

I wouldn't say that was an insult so much as an almost fact, he didn't get a face lift (though it may have helped him), you can tell by watching the movie, unfortunately it is hard to tell cos everyone always focusses on his eyes.

[tookish-girl]

What do you call a female dwarf?
Hairy

[tookish-girl]

And his sweet little nose! Oh dear, need help. Here's a joke for those who didn't like the movie:

New Line Cinema: Knock, knock
PJ: Who's There?
New Line Cinema: Tolkien
PJ: Tolkien who?
New Line Cinema: Exactly!

[DGoeij]

That one's pretty good. Tolkien Who?

[Dûndorer]

i met a hobbit once his name is, fuzzy the fury footed borrower.

[legoman]

I met a hobbit once his name is
Is this Yoda telling his story about the hobbit called Once.

[Sherri]

they focus on his eyes cause he has the most georgeous eyes in the world.

[legoman]

You see, you've all been taken in, its a ploy, he works for sauron!! Duh, you are all quite slow and you.

[tookish-girl]

Nice legoman!
What do you call a hobbit from Brandy buck Hall?
Sir.

What do you call a hobbit from HArd bottle?
Peasant!

[Gary Gamgee]

a very silly hobbit who lives in bree walks into a butcher shop and says to the butcher 'can i have a lettuce please?' to which the butcher replies 'this is a butcher shop we dont sell lettuce mate go three doors down to greengrocer' the hobbit thanks him and walks out. Ten minutes later the hobbit walks back in. 'Can i have a lettuce please?' Butcher 'haven't i already told you we dont sell lettuce three doors down mate'. The silly hobbit leaves. Ten minutes later in walks the hobbit 'can i have a lettuce please?' Butcher 'look your taking the mick if you come in here again and ask me for a lettuce i'll nail you to that wall'. Three hours in walks the hobbit 'excuse me do you have any nails?' Butcher 'no' hobbit 'can i have a lettuce please?'

[legoman]

OK thats the funniest one you've posted, Gary. nice.
hoho.

[Dûndorer]

yes it is. ounce upon a ounce lived a flea named fuzzy the furry footed borrower. yes he lived on top of ounce. he likes to eat cheese. he has a big (_|_).

[Dûndorer]

HAHAHAHA, tookish-girl relax. it was a joke. HEHEHEHE!

[Gary Gamgee]

Did anyone read in the papers about that Dwarf who worked in a circus as a phychic Tarot reader, then ran away?...

SMALL MEDIUM, at LARGE.

[Beleg]

Anyone knows a good tolkien Joke? Any Joke that can be applied on the Tolkien Universe?

[Wolfshead]

How many Orcs does it take to change a light bulb?

21. 20 to fight over it, and 1 to break it.

That was frankly awful. I just made it up, I hope someone has some relatively good ones :o

[Beleg]

This is quite funny. The actual joke is How many orcs it takes to replace a light bulb?

Ans. None, they will all kill eachother before they reach it.

(taken from Prima Endoras)

[Aglarthalion]

Q: What happens when you go to a Tolkien Convention?

A: Everyone's talkin' about Tolkien. :D?

[Saucy]

knock knock
who's there?
smeagol
smeagol who?
sme go were the ring go's


:) it's a pitiful attempt but...

[Aragorn21]

How 'bout this one.

Q:Where does an orc go to get braces?

A:To the orcadontist:D

(pathetic)

[e.Blackstar]

*seizes and consecutively bumps the funny thread* :D

Did anyone read in the papers about that Dwarf who worked in a circus as a phychic Tarot reader, then ran away?...

SMALL MEDIUM, at LARGE.


*is terribly amused*

Anyone else? :cool:

[Shireman D]

You may have read recently of the tragic death of a dwarf who drowned in a vat of foaming ale. It was a long death, sadly, as he had to climb out six times to go to the toilet.