Monty Python and the Ring of Doom OK, at the request of Tookish-girl, here is the first part of my Monty Python/LOTR parody... Monty Python And The Ring Of Doom (don't say I didn't warn you !) Scene 1 (somewhere in the Shire) [wind] [clop clop clop] Frodo: Whoa there! [clop clop clop] Elf #1: Halt! Who goes there? Frodo: It is I, Frodo Baggins from the Shire, Bearer of the One Ring! Elf #1: Pull the other one! Frodo: I am, ...and this is my trusted friend Samwise. We have ridden the length and breadth of the Shire in search of adventurers who will join me in my quest. I must speak with your lord and master. Elf #1: What? Ridden on a horse? Frodo: Yes! Elf #1: You're using coconuts! Frodo: What? Elf #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. Frodo: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the Shire, through-- Elf #1: Where'd you get the coconuts? Frodo: We found them. Elf #1: Found them? In the Shire? The coconut's tropical! Frodo: What do you mean? Elf #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. Frodo: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land? Elf #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? Frodo: Not at all. They could be carried. Elf #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut? Frodo: It could grip it by the husk! Elf #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. Frodo: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Frodo the Ring-Bearer is here? Elf #1: Listen. In order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? Frodo: Please! Elf #1: Am I right? Frodo: I'm not interested! Elf #2: It could be carried by an eagle! Elf #1: Oh, yeah, an eagle maybe, but not a swallow. That's my point. Elf #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that. Frodo: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my quest?! Elf #1: But then of course eagles are non-migratory. Elf #2: Oh, yeah... Elf #1: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... Frodo: I give up. Come on, Sam, we're going to Buckland. [clop clop clop] Elf #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? Elf #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. Elf #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper! Elf #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? Elf #2: Well, why not? Scene 2 (Isengard) [thud] [clang] Orc Cart Master: Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [cough cough...] [clang] [...cough cough] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! Ninepence. [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out... [rewr!] ...your dead! [rewr!] [clang] Bring out your dead! Customer: Here's one. Orc Cart Master: Ninepence. Dead Orc: I'm not dead! Orc Cart Master: What? Customer: Nothing. Here's your ninepence. Dead Orc: I'm not dead! Orc Cart Master: 'Ere. He says he's not dead! Customer: Yes, he is. Dead Orc: I'm not! Orc Cart Master: He isn't? Customer: Well, he will be soon. He's badly wounded. Dead Orc: I'm getting better! Customer: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment. Orc Cart Master: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. Dead Orc: I don't want to go on the cart! Customer: Oh, don't be such a baby. Orc Cart Master: I can't take him. Dead Orc: I feel fine! Customer: Well, do us a favour. Orc Cart Master: I can't. Customer: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. Orc Cart Master: No, I've got to go to Gorbag's squad. They've lost nine today. Customer: Well, when's your next round? Orc Cart Master: Thursday. Dead Orc: I think I'll go for a walk. Customer: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isn't there something you can do? Dead Orc: [singing] I feel happy... I feel happy. [whop] Customer: Ah, thanks very much. Orc Cart Master: Not at all. See you on Thursday. Customer: Right. All right. [howl] [clop clop clop] Who's that then? Orc Cart Master: I dunno. Must be an Uruk-hai. Customer: Why? Orc Cart Master: He hasn't got stuff all over him. Scene 3 (somewhere else in the Shire) [thud] [thud thud thud] Frodo: Old Balrog! Dennis: Troll! Frodo: Troll. Sorry. Who lives in that castle over there? Dennis: I'm thirty-seven. Frodo: I-- what? Dennis: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old. Frodo: Well, I can't just call you 'Troll'. Dennis: Well, you could say 'Dennis'. Frodo: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'. Dennis: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? Frodo: I did say 'sorry' about the 'Old Balrog', but from the behind you looked-- Dennis: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior! Frodo: Well, I am a Ring-Bearer! Dennis: Oh, a Ring-Bearer, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the-- Female Troll: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do? Frodo: How do you do, good lady? I am Frodo, Bearer of the One Ring. Whose castle is that? Female Troll: Bearer of what? Frodo: The One Ring. Female Troll: What's that? Frodo: Well, this is. This is the One Ring, and I am its Bearer. Female Troll: I didn't know we had a Ring-Bearer. I thought we were an autonomous collective. Dennis: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- Female Troll: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again. Dennis: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of-- Frodo: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? Female Troll: No one lives there. Frodo: Then who is your lord? Female Troll: We don't have a lord. Frodo: What? Dennis: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive Officer for the week,... Frodo: Yes. Dennis: ...but all the decision of that Officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting... Frodo: Yes, I see. Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,... Frodo: Be quiet! Dennis: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major-- Frodo: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! Female Troll: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh. Frodo: I am the Ring-Bearer! Female Troll: Well, I didn't vote for you. Frodo: You don't vote for Ring-Bearers. Female Troll: Well, how did you become Ring-Bearer, then? Frodo: The One Ring was passed on to me by my uncle, who had won it in a game of riddles from the foul cave-dwelling creature that had possessed it for five hundred years. I have been charged with destroying it, in order to save Middle-earth. That is why I am the Ring-Bearer! Dennis: Listen. Strange creatures lurking in caves and challenging people to answer riddles is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a Mandate from the masses, not from some farcical subterranean ceremony. Frodo: Be quiet! Dennis: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause one of your relatives won some jewellery in a guessing-game! Frodo: Shut up! Dennis: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was Royal High Ring-Bearer just because some one of my family got a ring as a prize for telling jokes, they'd put me away! Frodo: Shut up, will you? Shut up! Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. Frodo: Shut up! Dennis: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Frodo: Bloody troll! Dennis: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?