🧙 The Tolkien Forum 🧝

Welcome to our forum! Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox! Plus you won't see ads ;)

Best Orc Pentathlete

Choose the best Orc Pentathlete

  • Gorbag

    Votes: 5 6.1%
  • Grishnakh

    Votes: 27 32.9%
  • Shagrat

    Votes: 15 18.3%
  • Ugluk

    Votes: 35 42.7%

  • Total voters
    82
H

Harad

Guest
Includes the categories of Death Marching, threats, insults, brute strength, and low cunning.
 

Snaga

The Usual Suspect
Joined
Feb 11, 2002
Messages
2,261
Reaction score
5
Can't we have sadistic and violent conduct?
 
H

Harad

Guest
I am shocked shocked that Ugluk hasnt garnered any votes with such classic lines as:

Curse you! You're as bad as the other rabble: the maggots and the apes of Lugburz. No use charging with them. They'd just squeal and bolt...
The pendulum has swung in the other direction. Ugluk should get some votes...but should he win? Consider this cogent analysis, posted by V of K:

Grishnakh's orcs death-march is the most impressive of the lot if you think about it. He leaves Ugluk some distance west of Parth Galen, goes back to the river, reports in, waits for reinforcements, and then legs it back across Rohan and catches up with Ugluk.
 

Snaga

The Usual Suspect
Joined
Feb 11, 2002
Messages
2,261
Reaction score
5
Since my personal fave Grishnakh is starting to fall behind to Ugluk, time to state my case.

Ugluk may run pretty fast across the green of Rohan. But Grishnakh goes with him for half a day from Parth Galen. Insults Ugluk, but manages to get a bunch of Moria orcs to kop the flak. Legs it back to the river. Reports into the Nazgul, gets 40 buddies across the river. Then legs it back across Rohan, and catches up Ugluk's supposed Uber-orcs. He then insults Ugluk again, gets away with it again, joins his group, and would have stolen his prize captives from under his nose if it wasn't for a lucky shot from a filthy horse-boy. Sorry Ugluk, but you've polluted your gene pool with pathetic man-chromosones. The original is still the best!
 

aragil

Just another loremaster
Joined
Aug 27, 2001
Messages
1,852
Reaction score
4
Location
Secondarily Beautiful State of Washington
My Hero

This ain't even going to be a contest-
Witness Ugluk's many winning qualities:
Sex Appeal- Born of the enduring love of Man for Orc
Persuasive Qualities- Remember how he massaged the Moria troops into returning to Isengard? What was it he said? Oh yes, 'Whack!' (with his cleaver).
Stamina- Grishnakh might have brought his boys across Rohan faster on the return trip, but I have proof that Ugluk made it to Parth Galen in less than an hour. Saruman sent him to replace Lurtz.
 
H

Harad

Guest
Not only that but Ugluk personally patrolled the Gap of Rohan, at least 42 miles across, running back and forth on half hour intervals from Sept 27 thru Dec 11 --then taking a break for Uruk-Hai-nuka.
 
H

Harad

Guest
I cant deny that Ugluk was Magnificent. But a Pentathlon is more than one event. (Out of 10 points best)

--------------------Ugluk--------Grishnakh

Death Marching-------------10---------10
Insults---------------------8----------9
Threats--------------------10----------8
Brute Strength-------------10----------8
Low Cunning-----------------6---------10

Total----------------------44---------45

You see that Ugluk was way ahead until the last event, but just fell short in the Cranial Department.
 

aragil

Just another loremaster
Joined
Aug 27, 2001
Messages
1,852
Reaction score
4
Location
Secondarily Beautiful State of Washington
Perhaps we should look at the best sexathlete. As I noted, Ugluk had far greater charisma than Grishnakh. Nobody's going for hairy arms these days.

Hey! Who just voted for Grishnakh? I saw that!

While we're sitting here, I'll also put in my bits for the other Orcs.

Gorbag-loads of low cunning, questionable on the Death Marching (how long did it take him to get from Morgul to Ungol?) I think he's really hurt by the fact that he let Shagrat trample all over him without getting any insults back.

Shagrat-Pretty admirable Death Marcher- able to get from Ungol to Barad-dur in two days, whilst Frodo and Sam spent the better part of a week just getting to Mt. Doom. Shagrat's also the best insult dispenser of the bunch- look at his zingers while stomping on Gorbag's head. Also bested Gorbag in contest of brute strength. Low cunning is not his thing, he seemed to go for unswerving loyalty to his master, much like my good buddy Ugluk.

Grishnakh-I just don't like schemers and slinkers. Grishnakh was both.
 

Snaga

The Usual Suspect
Joined
Feb 11, 2002
Messages
2,261
Reaction score
5
If we're scoring for sex appeal I think Shagrat might have a built in advantage! He also would do well in the 'sadistic violence' category. He killed one of Gorbag's lot by squeezing his eyes out. There's nothing like getting up close and personal!

If I have to concede a weakness in Grishnakh its that he just doesn't kill often enough or nastily enough.
 
H

Harad

Guest
Its all breeding.

You got yer Saruman Orcs, yer Mordor Orcs, and yer Nazgul Orcs. Clearly Gorbag as a representative of the last, hardly gets out of the starting blocks. Then the argument devolves to a recapitulation of that dread-ed thread U vs U-H. Who cooked up the best Orcs between the S-boys?

And what about chromosomes? Would Ugluk pass the post-competition tests? Or would he be declared ineligible because he has one "y" and one "o" chromosome while Grishnakh is a pure "oo"?
 

aragil

Just another loremaster
Joined
Aug 27, 2001
Messages
1,852
Reaction score
4
Location
Secondarily Beautiful State of Washington
Ah yes VoK, I forget 'shag' means something different on your side of the water. Has it always been a common saying in England? I wonder if Tolkien could have possibly put in such a vulgar name on purpose.

Harad- Doubtless Ugluk would pass the chromosome test. One thing I have learned from U vs U-h is that the Isengarders are referred to as Orcs, even though they have some human genetic material. If Tolklien considers them Orcs, doubtless the officials of the Orc-Pentathlon would as well.
 
M

Mormegil

Guest
And the results are just in for the Orc Pentathlon....

Gold: Grisnakh
Silver: Ugluk
Bronze: Shagrat
And Gorbag was extremely poor, finishing in last place.

Now lets all stand for the national anthem of Mordor....

*Grishnakh stands proud and gloats to Ugluk*
*Ugluk smashes Grishnakh around the head with a club*
*Grishnakh and Shagrat team up and tear Ugluk apart*:)


anyway, Grishnakh wins by a mile.
 

Tar-Elenion

Registered User
Joined
Jan 9, 2002
Messages
483
Reaction score
6
Grishnakh gets in some good 'zingers' as well.
Who can forget such a memorable line as:

"Uglúk u bagronk sha pushdug Saruman-glob búbhosh skai".

In PoME this is translated as:
"Uglúk to the cesspool, sha! the dungfilth; the great Saruman-fool, skai!"

A different translation (given by JRRT) was published in Vinyar Tengwar:
"Uglúk to the dung-pit with stinking Saruman-filth, pig-guts, gah!"
 

aragil

Just another loremaster
Joined
Aug 27, 2001
Messages
1,852
Reaction score
4
Location
Secondarily Beautiful State of Washington
Excellent, Ugluk still leading the pack. I'm telling you all, sex-appeal sells. Now if he can just pass the chromosome test and avoid running afoul of the Orc-Olympic rules committee...
Harad- when are you going to post the scoring for Shagrat and poor Gorbag. If it helps Gorbag at all, I'll mention that his band was probably outnumbered and in unfamiliar territory at Cirith Ungol, and he still nearly led them to a victory. Just that untimely wheezing (or whatever it was), else it would have been Gorbag stomping on Shagrat and dispensing the insults.

Hey! How dare VoK plagiarize an idea I rightfully stole from Tolkien!http://www.thetolkienforum.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=38298#post38298
Where's an indignant smily when you're trying to show humor?
 
Last edited:
H

Harad

Guest
The scoring for Shagrat and Gorbag is TBD as more research is required (see below). They did most of their work in TTT.

I most agree with Aragil's analysis of the chromosome test results. Oh those were simpler days, when no one worried whether you were this species or that species, just good clean competition.

Another possible problem, I hesitate to mention, was the Orc Draught that both Ugluk and Grishnakh may have been imbibing, giving them an unfair advantage over Shagrat, and perhaps resulting in them failing the doping test.

Being a Grishnakh man, my own self, I sympathize with Mormegil's wish list, but note that among the democratic participants, Ugluk still holds a lead. Get out the vote! Nevertheless the stirring National Anthem of Mordor did bring a tear to my eye (and a little queasiness to my liver).

Tar-E's quote demonstrates why we Grishnakh supporters are so unwavering.

Finally there may be a rennaissance of support for The Spy that Shagratted Me, as I glean new respect from info contained in several UvsU-H postings.
 

aragil

Just another loremaster
Joined
Aug 27, 2001
Messages
1,852
Reaction score
4
Location
Secondarily Beautiful State of Washington
I don't know Harad, best post something for Gorbag and Shagrat now as voter-enthusiasm seems to be ebbing. If MTV's 'Rock the Vote' has taught us anything about politics (and it hasn't), it's that you need to constantly be shoving the issues into people's faces so that they finally vote out of annoyance: 'All right, all right, I'll vote already! Just shut up about the damned issues and let's get back to MTV Spring Break clips!'
 
H

Harad

Guest
I'd like to...but I am temporarily embarassed by lack of TTT. I will troll online then...Anyway as Ugluk's campaign manager, I think you should be proud of a job well done. The polls are not closed but the champagne is being chilled in Ugluks HQ.

(If only that 3rd party maggot Shagrat hadnt siphoned off the crucial swing vote of independent Lugburz Ape Voters)
 

aragil

Just another loremaster
Joined
Aug 27, 2001
Messages
1,852
Reaction score
4
Location
Secondarily Beautiful State of Washington
Of course, in my opinion Shagrat should have got the Mordor party nod over that slinker Grishnakh, but oh well.

As for Ugluk, what can I say? The campaign pretty much ran itself. A deciding moment was probably the famed Ugluk-Grishnakh debates on 'Which direction to go':

Grishnakh: 'Swine is it? How do you folk like being called swine by the muck-rakers of a dirty little wizard? It's orc-flesh they eat, I'll warrant.'
Ugluk: (Shouts for mates, swiftly beheads two Grishnakh supporters)
Grishnakh: (Tucks tail and slinks off to Anduin to discuss new campaign strategy with Nazgul)

Ah Ugluk, such economy of words in a debate. Too bad you don't get politics like that anymore.



Now, putting in a 'rah' for Shagrat, who clearly deserves the silver over Grishnakh:

Death Marching- Makes it to Barad-dur in two days, while it takes Sam and Frodo 10 days to cover half of that distance. Notably, Shagrat does this journey while bearing a wound which has nearly incapacitated his left arm. Good stuff!

Threats-'Come here and I'll squeeze your eyes out, like I did to Radbug just now. And when some new lads come, I'll deal with you: I'll send you to Shelob.'
'You must go, or I'll eat you.'
'I'll put red maggot-holes in your belly first.'

Insults-(to Gorbag)'You fool. You've been talking very clever, but there's a lot you don't know though most other folk do.'
(of Frodo) 'this little Filth'
'that filthy rebel Gorbag'

Brute Strength- Squeezing the eyes out of Radbug and stomping on Gorbag's corpse while licking his bloody knife- pretty brutish stuff

Low Cunning-Just not Shagrat's game. To his credit he did figure out that Shelob stunned Frodo rather than killing him, and he probably extended his life by two days by getting out of Ungol before the Nazgul arrived. He also figured out what Gorbag was about to kill him when he heard the filthy rebel hissing.
 

Thread suggestions

Top